Maybe I already have the life I want.
My friend called me last night and said it was a better idea if I was the one who did the calling because I had such a busy life and she didn’t know when it’d be good time to contact me. I laughed. She said, “You so busy, you having fun!” and I was like, girl, who you talking about?
Because I struggle. I STRUGGLE. Every day, to varying degrees, I struggle. And I try my best to communicate that on my social media just as much as I share photos of my adventures. How can anyone look at me and think I have an enviable life? How can anyone look at me with anything other than compassion or irritation or pity? I don’t know how anyone can look at my life and think I have anything together.
She hasn’t been the only person to make comments like that. My pole journey is goals! My weight loss is inspiring. My writing is a gift. I do so many neat things. I’m always doing things. Uh, what?
I cry almost every day. I wrestle my brain over and over, often fighting the same painful, misleading thoughts from morning to night. I’m so broke, it ain’t even funny. I feel ugly, messy, needy, weak, and lost. My skin is dry and itchy and I’ve got cuts all over my body from scratching. My glasses are broken and I can’t bring myself to take them to the place to get looked at. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee so it hurts to kneel, to bend, sometimes to walk. I have trust, abandonment, and self-esteem issues.
But, maybe I already have the life I want???? Uh, what?
The thing is, I do have a lot of fun. I get to do so many great things like go for walks with friends, get shave ice, roller skate in a sparkly dress, high five Joey McIntyre, grab brunch even though I forget, go surf, watch high school football games and talk to surly old men. I started a new job that I get to walk to and from (thus avoiding traffic and the need for public transportation), and love my coworkers so far. I pole dance, have gone zip lining, finished a half marathon, earned my BA at age 40, and can recite the alphabet backwards.
I also happen to have an amazing family and super awesome friends. I have these really great kids and I’m so loved by my nieces and nephews. I’m broke, yes, and yet my family fricken comes through for me in big and small ways. I have SO MUCH love in my life. I am so very lucky to have this support system. People check on me every day, pay my bills, treat me to lunch, give me rides. They sit with me when I ugly cry, give me clothes and jewelry for job interviews. They thank me in the liner notes of their albums. They give me so much support even when I can’t offer the same in return right now.
And so maybe, even though I ride the strugglebus every single fucking day, I already have the life I want. A life that’s meaningful, adventurous, challenging, fulfilling. A life in which love and kindness are the currency. A life where every day I hear “I love you, Kanani. You are beautiful.” A life where the words I write and the stories I tell connect people, where I can make people laugh. One of the doctors today told me that I have such a warm and pleasant demeanor on the phone and it made him happy.
I don’t have all the things I want. I wish I had more resources (like money) and the job of my dreams (writer, in case you were wondering). I wish I had a private jet. I wish I didn’t feel scared and instead felt confidence. I wish I loved myself better, valued myself more, and knew myself more deeply. I wish I had a better body, a stronger body, a less-flawed body. I wish all your lives revolved around mine. Not really but kinda sorta, if I’m being honest. I want to be worshipped and respected and challenged and loved. I want to laugh more and cry less. I want to get angry without being afraid you’ll bail. I want to receive a love letter. I want a lot. Perhaps I want it all, in the famous words of Rilke.
But maybe I already have the life I want.
Side note: I'm not suggesting that my mental health can be completely healed if I could just recognize how good I have it. What I AM suggesting is that my friend's comment last night gave me pause. I thought she wasn't seeing things clearly, but maybe it's me. Maybe I don't see things clearly. That I may already have the life I want gives me hope because it's not that I have to reinvent who I am in order to be awesome. I might already be awesome and I just need to learn to see it.
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