My Inheritence

Months ago, a physical therapist at work and I crossed paths once (as we had many times before and many times since). I was yukking it up with some coworkers and having a good time, and as we walked past each other, the physical therapist interjected, "What a great smile." It took me a moment to realize she was talking to ME. I was stunned. She'd said it so casually, so spontaneously, so matter of factly! And it was such a pocket of joy moment for me.

Many months after that, a patient walked into the clinic and I greeted them as I always do. "Hello, <insert person's name here>!" And this person commented on the way in and stopped on the way out to tell me how nice it was to be greeted by my smile. Another pocket of joy moment.

I think about these pockets of joy from time to time-- after all, what good is joy if you can't revisit it? Feel it's glow again?  I revel in these moments. They warm me. They challenge the old ideas of myself that I just LOOOOVE to cling to even as I work to release them.

I matter.

But long before any of these folks said these kind words to me, my late aunty took my face into her hands and told me that she sees my grandma in my smile. I wrote a MySpace blog about it back when it happened because it was such a pivotal moment (no, that link won't take you to MySpace, but to a blogger blog I wrote about the MySpace blog. I really love that awkward sentence).

What's crazy about my aunty commenting about MY smile, is that SHE had the most beautifulest smile that just wrapped you in warmth and love. And THAT'S what adds deeper joy, deeper meaning to these lovely compliments by virtual strangers: it is my heritage. This smile of mine (and I like to think that I'm quick to smile) is my inheritance. This smile connects me to my ancestors. The smile that you see on my face, that has brought joy to others? I've seen it reflected back to me in the faces of my family. My cousins, my dad, my siblings. And it has also brought me joy, warmth, and a sense of belonging.

Dad and Aunty Pearl, 2011

It's madness that I don't see what even strangers see in my face. I don't see my aunty's smile in mine. I know hers was something special while mine feels unique-to-me at best. I feel like my mouth is too small and my face too big, like, how can you see this smile among all this FACE??? My smile feels lacking compared to the warmth I wish to convey.

But I think it's more than just a mouth pulled into a specific shape by the muscles in my face, right? It's more than just teeth, white or not. More than just lips and cheeks. I mean, I couldn't tell you at this exact moment what more it is, but I CAN tell you this: when you see me smiling at you, know that it's like a Care Bear stare that stretches beyond me, that comes from a well that is deeper than just me.