One of the things I do to love myself through difficult, anxiety-filled moments is to listen to music.
When we were traveling to Vegas and back, I had a Jacob Collier playlist that I'd put on whenever things were beginning to overwhelm me. The soothing, quiet but not super jazzy songs. "In Too Deep" or "Summer Rain" or even the sleep version of "Something Heavy." I'd pull the hood of my marshmallow hoodie over my head, pop on my borrowed noise-canceling headphones, and disappear into myself.
But my favorite thing to do, which actually found me by surprise, is to listen to love songs. Love songs that I used to dedicate to my romantic partner or crush in my head. Anyway, I'd take these love songs AND SING THEM TO MYSELF. Instead of dedicating it to him, I'd dedicate it to me.
The first song I did in earnest was Gwen Stefani's "Rare." I was walking home from work that first time, feeling so much fear in my chest, feeling so much rejection and confusion and fear. And the song came on my playlist and I started to cry.
Go watch the lyric video I linked. From the first line, I felt punched in the gut. This is ME. How could I have ever mistaken this for a song to another when it so clearly is meant for me FROM me?
"You're rare, and I'm loving every second don't you know? You're rare, and only a stupid girl would let it go. You're so good and you don't even know it."
My latest go-to is "Stupid Song" by Olivia Rodrigo. From the moment I first heard it, I knew it was a love song written for me from me.
"You're a spark in the dark and my clothes all caught aflame. You should feel how I feel when somebody says your name. I'm a car speeding down the boulevard without a brake. And I want you more than any stupid song could ever say."
And the build, the crescendo, the absolute conviction. Go listen to the song. Listen to it twice. Let the music move you, let the lyrics sink in. What I've ever wanted a man (or woman, for that matter) to say to me, to be inspired to declare to me, HOLY SHIT, I can do for myself! Because I am the main character in my story. I'm the love interest.
I've written so many love letters over the span of my 50 years. To other people.
These are for me.
When I start to feel shitty and scared or panicked, rejected, unloved or unlovable, I can turn this song on and be reminded that I am loved. BY ME. I AM LOVED BY ME. I am feeling scared and lonely, and so I turn toward myself, gently take my hand, and say, "You're the spark in the dark. You should feel how I feel when somebody says your name."
It always makes me cry. I am filled with love and relief. I don't have to ride this out alone. I have me. I've got me in my hands. 2026 Kanani-- 50 year-old Kanani-- has got you, little Kanani. I'm here. You're not alone. You are loved.
The anxiety and fear and lonely feelings don't always go away completely. It's not a cure. But the more I do this, the more I can meet these feelings with patience and tenderness, the more I'm truly growing into someone who would have protected and provided for little me. The safety I seek? That comes FROM ME. I can do it. I do it. Me. I soothe my nervous system. I love myself through the storms.
These songs-- the lyrics that I sing to myself-- they are a reminder that 2026 Kanani knows her worth. She knows she's the kind of beautiful human being she'd be so super stoked to have as a friend. She isn't unlovable, unworthy, ugly, or undesirable. She is weird, smart, kind, and a fucking hoot.
Exactly my kind of person.
