Not This Time

Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, writes “We’ve been trying the same ways of getting comfortable for as long as we can remember, and yet our aggression, our anxiety, our resentfulness don’t seem to be getting any less. I’m saying we need to develop an appetite for groundlessness; we need to get curious about it and be willing to pause and hang out for a while in that space of insecurity.”

Everything in my life these days is in a state of groundlessness, and if you’ve heard me say that I don’t know how to be a person, this is why. Nothing is the same, least of all me. To heal, I gotta make different decisions, not just once, but every. single. fucking. time! I can’t just put up a boundary and then get to forget about it, no. Cuz now I gotta maintain it even though it's painful, even though it's difficult. Maybe one day those will be automatic, but today is not yet that day.

This state of groundlessness, this uneasy space, is so hard to exist in. I want to turn away, I want to return to the old patterns because they’re familiar even though I know how destructive they are. Chodron says to “think of this groundlessness and openness of insecurity as a chance that we’ve been given over and over to choose a fresh alternative,” and it is this “over and over” business that HURTS and it’s scary. How do you know this groundlessness will ever end? What if it never does? To choose this uneasiness over and over again, to resist the impulse of clinging to old patterns, can be so painful. It makes everything hard.

The habitual Kanani wants to pull away when things are rough and close her heart until she no longer cares. She doesn’t need you, doesn’t need this, she can take care of herself, fuck you very much. Habitual Kanani is only trying to protect herself because disappointment is inevitable. I don’t have a lot of practice reaching out for help and actually receiving it. I have learned that self-reliance is the only kind of strength, that needing anything or anyone is weakness and selfish, that anxiety exists because I haven’t yet figured out all the answers all by myself.

To keep my heart open to this uneasiness, to resist the impulse to pull away and to push you away, that’s fucking HARD. Even the so-called easy shit is hard. Everything is hard because there is no autopilot anymore. I can’t do things as usual. The BAU mentality perpetuates this cycle of pain and self-loathing, and I am SO TIRED of hating myself. I have to stop protecting myself (and, let's be honest, protecting others) at the expense of myself.

That means every single fucking time I want to pull away instead of move toward, that I want to act instead of feel, that I want to avoid instead of engage, I have to find the courage to say, “No, not this time.” When every cell in my body wants to do what it’s always done, pumping the brakes and then changing direction fucking SUCKS. Resisting that autopilot response is HARD. Every part of me revolts, screams, scratches at the door.

So when I’m curled up on my bed, bawling my eyeballs out, when I can’t even respond yes or no to a text, when I can’t for the fucking life of me breathe, just BREATHE, it’s because my body is devoting all of its resources to healing. And I’m writing today to remind myself that this is why everything is so hard, why I need so much these days, why I can be so confused about who I am. It’s not because I’m weak and stupid and lacking. I'm hanging out in this space of insecurity. Of groundlessness. I'm choosing a fresh alternative. And how fucking brave is that?

Can I handle my own shit? Am I smart enough, strong enough, resourceful enough? Absofuckinglutely. But I’m so tired of doing that. I’m so tired of relying on no one, expecting nothing, hoping for nothing, feeling disconnected from everyone. I don’t want that. No, not this time.

If you'd like to read some Pema Chodron, here's a link to the book I quoted in this blog: Practicing Peace

Here's a link to the book I'm currently reading: Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better