There's something about having health insurance in my own name that fills me with pride immeasurable. It marks adulthood and independence, for sure, but it also is somehow defiant. It is fulfilling. It is an affirmation. It is an investment.
My life as it is right in this very fucking moment is something I have worked hard for, and not just through gainful employment, which FUNDS my life. I have crafted this life, constructed it, pared away what no longer serves and filled it with what nourishes. That sentence is all past tense, but it is a continual process.
Earning my own medical insurance-- having it under MY fucking name-- is but a small part of that. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I am deserving of care. I am deserving of THE FUCKING BEST care. I deserve attention. This meatsuit and everything inside of it deserves tender fucking care.
And who provides that care? ME. I do. And all the medical representatives of (mostly) my choosing.
And while this stupid plastic card allows me to take my aging, beautiful body to a physician and say, "Help me take care of me, help me invest in me," this sense of fulfillment goes beyond getting quality medical attention.
Allow me to explain in one simple sentence: Taking the pill prescribed by my doctor is an affirmation that the symptoms it treats are real.
Quite honestly, it's not even about the stupid symptoms, it's about trusting my body. It's about learning to trust my body. It's about learning to explore my body's discomforts to discover what's actually going on. It's about UNlearning to dismiss my fears and concerns as foolish or, worse yet, paranoid and weak. It's about learning to believe that I can handle what comes.
When I take the pill, see my therapist, visit a specialist, get the annual testing done, I am thankful that I have great medical insurance and access to great medical care. I am not thankful for a job that affords me that insurance (although, I AM, believe me) so much as I am thankful that I AM FUCKING CAPABLE.
I don't think this blog has much of a point. As I sat in the early morning hours today, sipping my deliciously indulgent-feeling coffee that I made, I just felt so grateful for what I have and what I have accomplished, and I felt so much pride for recognizing it.
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