That's Why Hard

I am not a victim— don’t ever call me a victim— but I’ve suffered abuse.

I love a strong community, but am I running away from my problems?

I love a strong community, but I don’t trust people, even those I love and who love me.

I need time alone, but too much time alone actually hurts.

I crave connection, but don’t always have the capacity to engage.

I want you to understand me, but I also discount my experience before you even get the chance to hear about it.

I want and need your help, but I don’t know how to receive it.

I want and need your help, but I think it makes me weak and selfish.

I want you to love me, but I don’t know how to let you.

I want to love you, but I’m terrified of losing myself.

I want and need your support, but I’m not helpless.

I am a strong, smart woman who also craves tenderness and gentleness.

I don’t want or need you to rescue me, and I don’t want you to protect me, but I want to feel protected. I want to feel safe.

I want you to challenge me, but I also want you to respect my boundaries.

The territory of my being is vast, and yet I can feel so small and insignificant.

I can know something but not feel it, feel something and not believe it.

I don’t ever want to read your mind ever again, but I want you to know my mind for me.

Don’t tell me what to do, but tell me what I want.

Tell me what I want, but I’ll say fuck you.

You invite me to call on you anytime, and I believe you, but I also don’t…. believe you or call on you.

You say you love me and don’t want to hurt me, but I associate love with pain.

I expect everyone to hurt me even though I believe they love me.

That's why hard.

Within me are contained so many contradictory ideas, beliefs, and impulses, and it’s all pretty confusing to me. I want to say I don’t know how or why you’re still around, but I actually do know why. You’re around because I’m an awesome human being. I know you see it in me, and I know you understand where I’m at right now. I just don’t always feel it or believe it, my awesomeness.

I’ve been behaving more selfishly lately in smallish ways. I let fewer cars merge in front of me, I don’t help as much as I might once have, I don’t respond to texts and emails immediately (if at all, sorry), I apologize less, I explain less, I offer fewer alternatives. You may or may not have noticed. Please don’t take these things personally— I’m learning to find balance between giving and receiving; I’m learning that I don’t have to earn the space I occupy; I’m learning to breathe.

So let me be honest right here. I want everything. I want it all. I want all the things I never allowed myself to admit because I thought it made me superficial, greedy, stupid, and ungrateful. I want you to pay attention to me when I want it, and I want you to fuck off when I’ve had enough of you. I want you to earn my friendship, my esteem, my attention. I’m such a fucking PRIZE, and I can’t force you to recognize that, but you should. You should recognize how fortunate you are. Lots of people have not made the fucking cut. You are lucky. So, be honest with me, don’t fucking protect me with lies, but really don’t put yourself in a position to lie to me. You want to protect me? Then be a good fucking human being. If you think it’s going to hurt me, just don’t fucking do it. Don’t be so fucking generic as to be yet another fucking lame asshole who hurts and disappoints me. Consider my feelings before you do some dumb shit. Holy shit, just treat me GOOD. That’s what I want. Treat me right. Don’t hurt me. Just don’t do shit to hurt me. Do what I ask, do what you know is right, be a good fucking person. Be a person I’m proud to know.

I just shared this revelation with Lucy— that I just want to be treated good— and her first question was, “Who’s treating you bad?” Well, no one! But I never thought to ask.. demand… that people treat me right because I didn’t think I deserved it. I left it up to them to decide whether I was worth respect and honesty instead of expecting it. I allowed others to determine my value instead of letting them know up front that I expect your best humanity, I deserve it, and I will reciprocate it to the best of my ability. Oh my grob, friends, writing is thinking and you just witnessed the process.

I want to be loved with respect and honesty. I deserve to be loved with respect and honesty. And if you want to be in my life, that is what you'll do. You'll be patient with me, you'll nurture me, you'll give me the time and space and love I need. This is what I'm asking for. This is what I want. I can't even promise you that there will be a time when I'll need less or I'll ask for less, but I will remember what you did, and I'll be proud to know you. I'll be proud of you. And I will love you.