Iʻm not okay.
Iʻm struggling and Iʻve been struggling, and Iʻm not okay.
These past two days have been a giant shitbag. I feel sad and empty and everything is sad and empty.
Why am I doing this? Why am I saying this? Why am I going there? Whatʻs the fucking point?
I woke up yesterday after a great 8 hour sleep and I felt good. I felt relaxed and maybe even content. "In this moment," I thought, "things are good."
Then I got up to pee, came back to bed, and started to cry.
Thatʻs how quick it happens, folks. Thatʻs how random.
Doing things when I feel like this is like it was when I was bleeding constantly. I have to plan or at least have an idea of what Iʻm going to do, how long Iʻm going to be out, do I trust the person Iʻll be with if I have a meltdown? I canʻt just go out and have a good time. It hasnʻt been working like that lately.
This coming weekend is camp, and I was looking forward to it. Itʻs going to be big. The kind of big where we plan menus and set up the 10x20 tarps. The kids are already packing and excitedly talking about what they want to do when they get there-- crabbing, surfing, sʻmores! Usually, Iʻm excited, too. Being surrounded by family and friends, nothing to do or worry about except staying hydrated and sufficiently covered in sunscreen. We kanikapila, have a talent show, play games. Dad and I work on crosswords together. Last time, Kiel taught me how to crochet while he made stuff for the kids
I woke up yesterday thinking I donʻt wanna go.
I joke about my high-functioning depression, but itʻs not a joke. Itʻs not pretty or funny or cool. Itʻs not something Iʻm proud of nor am I ashamed of it. I worry that it will scare my friends if they donʻt understand. Itʻs sometimes difficult to admit Iʻm not okay. I donʻt really know why I lie to those closest to me and say Iʻm alright when Iʻve been crying off and on all day. Often, itʻs cuz in that moment I feel fine. But itʻs my mental health, I think, getting in the way of my mental health. Because I wonder, "What good could possibly come of admitting to you that I feel like shit and hate myself?" Even if you want to help, how is your help going to help? That might not make sense to you, but it does to me.
How contradictory depression can make a person!
Todayʻs been better. I woke up, went to the gym and the market! Washed dishes, even. Musicʻs been a balm, and it isnʻt always. Iʻm trying to stay rooted to this moment, to enjoy this moment, to remember that itʻs fleeting and fickle. You know the title of my blog, right? Not this individual blog, but the collection of them. Be here now. Thatʻs always the goal.
I know Iʻll be okay again. One day, it wonʻt always be such a struggle. One day, the punch in the gut wonʻt be so close behind the laughter. Itʻs hard now, but thereʻs also so much love in my life-- maybe more today than ever before-- and, you know, I actually like myself most days. And thereʻs so much beauty in the world, so much light, so much to marvel and celebrate. I donʻt always see it or feel it or celebrate it, but at least I know itʻs there, waiting for me.
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