A Love Letter

My therapy homework assignment for the past 2 weeks: write a love letter to myself.

Have I ever written you a love letter? I write beautiful love letters, I think. Having never received one that Iʻve composed, Iʻm only guessing, but I think Iʻd love to get one from me. Why had I never thought to do this before?

Iʻll tell you why. Because itʻs fucking HARD.

You see that image at the top? Thatʻs how far I made it before I sobbed one big sob, no tears. The sound just escaped my throat, like my stomach barfed it up involuntarily.

And not because I donʻt know what to write. Iʻve had enough time to start mentally composing, and it helps that I do actually like myself more than I think I ever have in my life. Itʻs just hard to write the words Iʻve only ever thought. I typed those words, "you are a treasure," with my eyes closed.

I buy into this exercise. Iʻve poured so much love into other people, but Iʻve never turned that focus on myself. "Kanani, I love you because . . . " How powerful is that? When Iʻve written a love letter to someone else, I filled it with my heart. My goal is to have you feel as close to what I feel about you. I try to make my love tangible through words. Do you see how much you mean to me? Do you feel my love surrounding you?

Whatʻs it like to feel my own love wrapped around me? 

I love getting love letters-- itʻs probably one of my favorite gifts to receive. Those words, just for me? I love words, right? And those words that youʻve written were chosen for me? For little me? You chose those words for me? Each one is a gift! Thatʻs so fucking special!

Which words will I choose for myself? Which words are worthy of me? Iʻm not sure yet. That will come as my fingers fly across the keyboard. Maybe Iʻll even share it with you as a public testament, I donʻt know. I donʻt know anything. But Iʻm learning.