I Donʻt Want to Be an Island Anymore

I donʻt want to be an island anymore.

I thought thatʻs what I had to be because thatʻs what strength was: isolation, silence, beauty.

Wanna know a not-secret? That bites, it doesnʻt work, I donʻt want to be that kind of strong anymore.

For whatever reason, Iʻve been talking to a lot of different people lately, though mostly women around my age, and Iʻve discovered that *gasp* Iʻm not alone. *Gasp* Iʻm not the only one sucking. *Gasp* Theyʻre struggling, too. Theyʻre having trouble with their partners, their kids, their bodies, their brains, work, school, exes, whatever.

On the faces of these women, I see smiles, and I get it. I donʻt think youʻre being fake or putting on a show. I get it. Thatʻs me. Because so many of you are working hard to keep it together and keep it moving. It isnʻt fake, itʻs just what we know, right? There ainʻt nothing for it but to keep keeping on. And if I smile through it all, itʻs because I have hope, even if I donʻt feel it. Itʻs because I know it wonʻt always be like this, even if I donʻt feel it.

Itʻs also because maybe we donʻt know how to ask for help. Maybe we donʻt even know we need or want help. Maybe we think weʻre the only ones. Maybe weʻve gotten so much shit from others when weʻve tried to reach out that it isnʻt a fucking option anymore.

We have become islands.

I asked Jonah, I asked Liane, I asked Shelley, I asked Shani and Kehau: what do we do with this? Do we continue to be islands? It ainʻt working, yo, and it breaks my fucking heart to see so many of my friends, so many beautiful, smart, and kind women suffering alone. I canʻt just ignore this. It needs to change. Yes, my own pain sucks, but itʻs lightened whenever I connect with one of you. Itʻs a burden shared when we come together, so we need to come together.

But I donʻt know what to do with these islands. Iʻm not Maui with his hook. At least, I donʻt yet know what my hook is. Best I can figure is to continue to invite you all to join me on my daily walks. Thatʻs how Iʻve been able to connect one-on-one with some of you recently, but maybe if more of you join me, we can expand our community.

Because I see community as a way of dealing with my anxiety and depression. Community is my remedy for isolation and loneliness. Iʻm not being hyperbolic when I say that I have been shouldering my shit for as long as I can remember, only begrudgingly sharing the load when it was completely unavoidable. It is still incredibly difficult for me to trust people. And these same sentiments I hear over and over from the women around me who are dying for help but donʻt know how to ask for it or accept it or who have gone unheard.

All I can do is try and all I can do is reach out to my friends, my acquaintances, my coworkers, and family. Come throw a ball with me or join me for a walk. We can talk story, laugh, cry, all of the above. Together.