How do you make space for yourself inside your head?
Because Iʻm getting better at making social space for myself, but I donʻt always do the same in my head. Is that confusing? It is to me, and my brain spins just thinking about it. Let me break it down.
Iʻm way better these days at speaking up, expressing what I need or want, and taking care of my own needs before (or instead of) looking after othersʻ. Having needs doesnʻt make me "needy." Asking for help doesnʻt make me "clingy." Self care doesnʻt make me "selfish." I have come to accept and embrace this even if itʻs sometimes difficult to practice.
Whatʻs proving more challenging is allowing myself to linger in those in-between spaces that allow my heart, brain, and guts to process external and internal input. I am impatient and a person of action: if thereʻs a challenge, I like to meet it swiftly and decisively. Do it! Nownownow! Gogogo! I have very little practice at being the flower, being passive and receptive. My mental constitution is better built for a busy bee, ever collecting, disseminating, moving.
 |
| John Keats to John Hamilton Reynolds |
In the film, World War Z, Brad Pittʻs character advises, "Movimiento es vida." Movement is life. I subscribe to this mantra even though my daily routine doesnʻt usually involve fleeing from zombies hopped up on amphetamines. Movement helps me breathe through my anxiety, stress, and depressive episodes. It brings order to my brain when everythingʻs all jumbled the fuck up. Thereʻs something super consoling about physical activity.
So, shockingly, Iʻve a tendency toward the impulsive. I used to describe this as acting with more heart than brain, which is kind of true, although now I think of it as just habitual action. This is what I always do in these situations. This is how I always respond. This is how I always take care of others and myself. This is what I say. I never do this. I never say this. On and on. These are shortcuts that have served me well (but not really) in the past.
What I must remember from moment to moment is to slow down. When youʻre a mind reader, you get really good at doing things on the fly. People are fickle creatures so youʻve got to be adaptable, flexible, and creative. Most of all, you have to be READY. At any and every moment, ready. Ready to go! You appear solid under pressure. And you are! You have to be! The problem for me is that I believed thatʻs who I had to be all the goddamned time. You get good at predicting the future and then reacting to it, but not so much at listening to yourself and honoring whatʻs inside you.
Like everything else Iʻve been working on these last several months, patience is progressing. It isnʻt always easy, sitting with discomfort and confusion, which is why I ask you how you make space for yourself in your head. How do you sit with your ugly? How do you stay curious and open even when itʻs super hard, even when you donʻt want to? Plus, I donʻt know if any you know this, but Iʻm kinda lazy. I just want things to happen because I wish for them, lickety split, so if any of you has a magic pill or genie or something, hook a tita up!
No comments:
Post a Comment