Part IV: A Lesson in Three Parts

Part I: I Get to Do This

Last week, my friend told me that when he starts feeling junk about whatever heʻs got to do, he reminds himself, "I GET to do this." A simple sentiment that we talked about at length.

Because, as you all know, I get hard time sometimes. Last week was shit. Thinking about going back to work this week was giving me stress and anxieties. I was scared. Doing this for years, and still this was scarier than going back to work in 2020.

Part II: Be Here Now

All I know for sure is this moment. Weʻre not guaranteed anything, let alone tomorrow, next week, two months from now. I canʻt take any of this shit for granted.

This moment, though, is fickle and fleeting. Blissful or despairing, this moment doesnʻt last forever, and the switch will flip without hesitation or notice. All I can do is live in this moment, right now. Root myself in it, be open to it, be moved by it. I am flexible and strong and capable. This moment? I can handle. I donʻt know about tomorrow, next week, or two months from now, but right now? Iʻm doing it.

Read the lyrics to this awesome song, "Parabola," by Tool

Part III: Connected

Imagine you are in a fishbowl and you look up at the sky, which is really just the meniscus of the water. But to you, in your world, this is the sky. Someone on the outside of the bowl pierces your sky with their fingertips, which you see as five distinct and separate objects. You donʻt see that those objects are connected by a hand, which is then connected to the whole body. All you see are these five separate entities, but they are nevertheless connected-- part of a whole-- whether or not you see that.

"You have to have faith in the connection," was my friendʻs takeaway, and hearing that fricken soothed my soul. In that moment, my heart was soothed.

Having that sentiment reflected back at me-- something I believe whole-heartedly but often doubt-- calmed my nerves. I can let go when I need to, it reminded me, because I can trust in those connections. What connects me to you, me to the world, me to myself, will hold. Even if I donʻt see it, even if I doubt it, even if itʻs been a while. Trust.

Part IV: Translation

Iʻm sometimes a selfish brat, and I have really fucked up days when I hate who I am and am incredibly aware of my limitations and perceived failings. I feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped and my chest feels like itʻs too small for my heart and lungs. Like my organs, I feel trapped, squeezed, near to bursting.

And yet, Iʻm still here, which means Iʻm doing it. No matter what "it" is, I get to do it. Am doing it. Doing it over and over, day after day, moment after moment. When things get overwhelming, I have to course-correct and bring myself back to this moment, back to myself. That often takes a huge amount of patience and effort, requires multiple micro-corrections over a period of time, and is usually ugly as fuck.

But Iʻm doing it. As difficult as existing in that fucked up moment can be, it doesnʻt last forever. Neither do those idyllic moments, like a beautiful Friday afternoon, that I want to linger in.

Itʻs all fleeting and itʻs all mine.