I am not loving my body lately. I’m frustrated and sad and really very much the opposite of confident. Insecure doesn’t seem like a strong or appropriate enough word, but it also isn’t hate. I think I’m confused.
I’m not familiar with this body as it changes and evolves. I have never had this body before kind of in the way that people say you can’t step in the same river twice, you know? But also, I have never had muscles like this. My arms are big, my shoulders are like medium-sized rocks, I can actually feel a tautness throughout my core, and even my ass feels different in my clothes.
And talking with my guy coworkers recently (the last time I ever worked with men was in my early 20s), their fitness goals are so different from what I’m used to hearing from my female friends. Women talk a lot about losing weight, and these guys talk about bulking up. Their individual goals vary, for sure, but none of them talk about losing weight. Not one of them. And this very different perspective encourages me to view my body in new ways. Not just individually, either. It also forces me to consider the double standard when it comes to what women’s and men’s bodies are “supposed” to look like and the various ways we’re coerced into buying into these expectations.
Still, my body is confounding me. I don’t understand what’s going on. The muscles really don’t help because even though my clothes still fit about the same, they’re more snug around my arms and chest. And I wouldn’t trade that added strength for a smaller tummy! I really wouldn’t. I need that strength to pole and I think it's is sexy, honestly. However, I struggle to reconcile the muscles with this idea of being thin still. I worry that I’m getting fat, that I’m failing. I feel ugly and awkward. I don’t know how to accept the added bulk that my male coworkers prize in their own bodies. I don’t know how to make sense of the way my clothes fit, especially when I don’t think I’ve ever had an accurate idea of what that is. Clothes that fit, I mean.
Even now, my workout tops fit differently. They’re looser around my chest, and I can tell because the arm holes are baggier, but feel the about same around my belly. What did they fit like before? What are they supposed to fit like? Is it my body or is it the fit of my clothes? I don’t know!
I was looking at myself in the mirror tonight as we were warming up in pole, and I was amazed at what my arms and shoulders looked like when we’re doing arm circles. Not too bad! They’re strong and confident. And then I saw my face and had to avert my eyes. Yuck. This is my inner conflict in a nutshell. Wow but ew. Yay but no. Amazing progress but still so much failure. I’ll figure it out, but right now, it’s just bumming me out.
No comments:
Post a Comment