Itʻs not Super Bowl Sunday, folks. Itʻs Kananiʻs Day of Atonement. Thatʻs what it feels like. Like for all the hurt Iʻve ever caused anyone-- intentional or un-- today, I wear my hair shirt.
To be clear, no one has said or done anything to me. No one has hinted at past (or current) wrongs that Iʻve visited upon them, and not one person has said an ill word to me (except for the passive/aggressive announcement at Uniqlo that warned "everyone" to stop trying on clothes in the aisles). Heck, even the dog is cuddling up, his snout tucked under my leg.
But Iʻve hurt people. Iʻve been thoughtless. And what bothers me the most right now is that much of what Iʻm thinking about was caused by my failure to recognize that I mattered to other people. Kind of weird, right? I couldnʻt see that what I did had consequences for them.
What Iʻm trying to say is that I was callous and indifferent without even meaning to be. And that might be a relief to you, to know it was incidental, but it isnʻt to me. Itʻs worse than if I had acted deliberately. If Iʻd done it on purpose, at least I could own it. Doing it on accident means, "Hey, I know I caused you pain, but it was only because I was careless with your feelings."
I donʻt want your reassurances, although I appreciate the inclination to ease my suffering. Iʻm not suffering in a tragic sense, anyway. Itʻs just an acknowledgment that I fucked up. I know, I know, I know. Shh. I donʻt want to qualify how I feel right now. Iʻm not trying to wallow, Iʻm acknowledging in the hopes that I can do better moving forward.
Because I know weʻve all been there. Iʻve been hurt by those I love, too. I know Iʻve also brought joy to peopleʻs lives. I know Iʻve helped ease othersʻ suffering. Iʻve made them laugh, Iʻve alleviated their stress. Iʻve helped write their papers, fed them, taken them dancing, bought them ice cream, given them money, let them crash on my couch.
Tonight, however, Iʻm feeling the cruelty that Iʻve visited on people I loved. Itʻs just sitting on my chest, pausing, as if waiting for me to tell it the time.
Inevitably, I will hurt those I love again, intentionally or un. And maybe itʻs selfish of me (although, for sure Iʻm setting the bar real low here), but Iʻm just hoping that I do that unintentionally with less frequency.
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