UglyGirl (or How Many Times Can You Say "Dress?")

I wore a dress today that we might as well call Instant Regret. I thought it looked nice when I tried it on at the store and even when I put it on before work today, but as soon as I stepped out of my room, I hated it.

Some people said nice things, which felt okay even if it felt more like kindness than truth. My niece said to me, "That's a big dress," and then she repeated herself for good measure. I wasn't and still not sure what she meant. It made me feel like a tent. An elephant. A hot air balloon. An overstuffed pillow.

I was tempted to change my clothes before I went to my second job. To put on something maybe more flattering or comfortable. I even took off the dress while I did the dishes and made a lunch I would forget to take with me. For some reason, call it punishment or atonement, I put the dress back on and forged ahead to downtown Honolulu.

Waiting for someone to let me in, I had the chance to catch my reflection in the window, and my reflection confirmed my suspicion: I looked awful in that dress. I should never have purchased that dress. I don't know why I did.

Everything I've been feeling lately can be wrapped up tidily (or messily, depending on perspective) in today's dress. I am ridiculously embarrassed. Why? Multiple reasons.

1. I actually thought the dress was nice looking and looked nice on me
2. I bought the dress.
3. I put the dress on, thinking I looked nice, but really I looked terrible.
4. People were nice to me about the dress I was wearing, and I feel bad that they were. "Say 'thank you'" be damned. I have sweet friends.
5. I put the dress back on even when I had the opportunity to change clothes.
6. I feel bad about the dress.

When it comes down to it, it's just poor choices and feeling bad about myself. The dress felt like a sign I was wearing that told people all my secrets, revealed all the things I don't like about myself, and invited others to chime in. Am I being harsh and unreasonable? Probably. Not one person was mean. Everyone was either silent or kind.

The dress now lays bundled up in a heap on the floor. I got home from work and tore it off. I will step on it, kick it around, hope it picks up some dust bunnies, and try to forget about it before I ever pick it up again. It does not belong on a hanger in my closet. It belongs in the trash.

Did you know that it's May already? It is. I wish I could hibernate for a month.