I ran errands today at, like, regular human hours. Left Merf's at around 11am, then hit Target and Sam's. There's the usual mid-morning traffic, the usual heat, the usual crowds. AND I WAS FINE. Banging my knee when the Sam's cart got caught on the stupid fucking cart corral nearly ruined everything, but honestly, I knew how to handle it-- I have tools-- and I did. Handle it, I mean. It was handled. (And not just by pushing through, by the way. Not just by ignoring the pain and powering through to the next thing.)
And when I got home, I thought, is this what a regulated nervous system feels like??? IS THIS WHAT A REGULATED NERVOUS SYSTEM FEELS LIKE??? Holy shit!
It feels like getting stuck behind the same garbage truck TWICE on different streets in the same hour and not feeling that heaviness on my neck and shoulders, that tightness. It was obligating the Target employee to open multiple cases so I could get deodorant AND razors even while had other customers waiting and not rushing or making like nah, no need BOTH items today and instead only getting one.
I attribute this to a few seemingly unrelated events:
1. I used to be pretty big and heavy. And then I lost a bunch of weight (figuratively and literally). And then I gained weight again. And every time I gain any amount of weight, I think I look like I did at my biggest/heaviest. I am utterly convinced of it. But I saw some old photos of myself in Kama's slide show the other night and it was clear to me: I do NOT look like I did before even if I might weigh the same (and I don't know that I do lol). Not that what I look like matters, alright? It was the fact check on my brain that really made a difference. I am not seeing myself clearly, and also, I'm living a different, healthier life.
2. I did a favorite Body Project YouTube workout this week that I haven't done since before I started poling. I wondered if it would feel the same or easier. It felt the same AND easier. I was surprised that I busted a sweat and got my heart rate up. My muscles felt fatigued! And I don't know why (because I haven't spent time thinking about it), but it felt SO ME. It was kind of exhilarating! Even thinking about it now, days later, I'm filled with feelings. Good ones. So much so that I went for a short walk afterwards. I didn't need to, but I did. And even though it wasn't nearly as strenuous as pole or HTC/JBT, it nonetheless felt worthwhile and fulfilling.
3. I have been going on short walks at a deliberately moderate pace. These walks aren't for steps or the cardio, they're for self-regulation. They're for soothing a riotous nervous system. They're for blood circulation and recovery. They're for discovering weird or beautiful things in my neighborhood. They're for visiting my sister and her family down the street.
And I believe--I INTUIT-- that these are the contributing factors to not fah-reaking the fuck out in the crowds and traffic on a busy Saturday morning. It is taking the time to check in with myself: what you need, Kanani? It's knowing that I feel like fucking shit every Thursday and taking steps to invest in, you know, NOT FEELING LIKE SHIT every Thursday (or any day, for that matter).
It is not my destiny to endure feeling like shit. It is not a natural state of adulthood to suffer through life. No! I reject that! And neither do I accept that I must beat my body (and mind) into submission through a constant and rigorous approach to fitness. I'm not looking for the Optimal WOD, yo, to strictly follow.
I have discovered and am now strong enough to admit that I desire a soft love. I desire tenderness. And I don't have to wait for some fucking Knight to give it to me! I can do it. I can show myself a soft love. I can show myself tenderness. I can show myself that I'm worthy of love and softness. I can show myself that being strong and independent and physically fit doesn't preclude me from slowness. It doesn't preclude a soft-heart or kindness.
I can earn pole kisses and fatigued muscles from pole and strength training. I can work up a good sweat and feel very CARDO! through dance. I can power walk a 3-mile route. Being soft, being gentle w/myself doesn't mean I'm not disciplined or tough. I don't know if you know this, but I am a complex being-- WE ARE ALL complex beings-- capable of multiple layers at the same time! And honestly it's in those moments where I feel joy AND sadness, pride AND shame that I am the most confused, which in turns makes me the most anxious, which I then try to avoid. But it is precisely those moments I want to turn toward with kindness and curiosity and ask, "What do you need, Kanani?"
And sometimes, even when I make the time to check in with myself, I won't know. I won't have an answer. I'll be confused or distracted. However, I have found that sometimes just asking the question results in a short cry fest, which proves to be just the thing. Sometimes I know that answer even before I finish asking the question.
I wholeheartedly believe that the ease with which I moved in the crowded, busy Saturday morning is a direct result of asking myself this question. To be honest, the question is usually more like, "How can I regulate my nervous system today?" And it might be a slow walk or cocooning in bed and binge watching Criminal Minds. It could be engaging in the group chat or maybe even avoiding it for a day. It might be pushing myself at pole or training. And every time I do the thing that brings me comfort, that soothes my dysregulation, I bring myself closer to peace. Closer to myself.
Now, I'm not an expert on any of this. I can't tell you the mechanism behind it all that makes this work. I can't draw the line between slow walks and NOT feeling anxious doing my shopping on a busy weekend morning. I can't tell you why doing a low intensity YouTube workout meant I didn't lose my shit behind the same garbage truck TWICE in an hour. Honestly, I don't care about the why at the moment. All I know is that it worked and I hope it continues to work. I hope to have more days of regulation because I actually enjoyed myself. Feeling calm instead of panicked made my day more enjoyable, if you can fucking believe it. And YES PLEASE I'll take more of that!
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