Old Pain

I'm scared.

A lot of things scare me, like falling off the pole and onto my head, reversing my car into a pedestrian, my daughter walking home alone at night.

I'm also afraid of having friends, of not having friends. Of being loved, and of not being loved. I'm absolutely terrified of being vulnerable, which isn't necessarily the same thing as being myself because I'm not always afraid to be myself (have you seen me in public? Heard me?), though being exposed and unshielded scares the shit out of me. 

I cry.

I cry a lot sometimes. I cry because I get invited to fun things, because people include me in their plans, because people make space for me. I cry because I feel pressure to have fun, to enjoy myself. I cry because I suspect I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, because I fear being disposable.

I don't always know who I am, you see. You see, I'm in the process of relearning who I am in that cliched midlife crisis sort of way while simultaneously rebelling against that cliche in every way I can. And even though I believe this process is neverending and should ever be neverending, I wish it would end already with me on top of the world, happy, confident, and soft and tender and pillowy and full of love for myself and the world at large.

When I start to fear that I'm not enough, that I could never be enough to be loved, to be cherished, to be respected and honored; that I could never be enough to be honored with transparency and tenderness and with the love that I seek in the world; I've stopped telling myself that I know better. I've stopped (mostly) discounting those fears. I've (mostly) stopped scolding myself or even building myself up, puffing up my chest in defiance of my doubt. Because it's taken me so long to finally (FINALLY) accept that it's okay to be fucking scared.

Scaredy cat, crybaby, wuss, panty, needy. Call me whatever names you will, I'm (mostly) okay with that. Because I am scared and I do cry. And whatever negative spin you put on it, trust me, I've said worse about myself. And we'd both be wrong. Wrong wrong fucking wrong.

It's okay to be scared. It's okay to cry. I ask my therapist, "What the fuck good will it do just to acknowledge the pain I feel?" I laugh because I'm also stupid. So stupid. And I say that with love, yo. I'm fucking stupid. Because what in all the world have I ever wanted but to be seen, to be heard, and to be held with tenderness. And yet here I am, not seeing, not hearing, and treating myself with contempt.

So, Iʻve been holding myself close today. Telling myself the sweetest things even if I feel a fraud. Imagining Iʻm talking to one of my kids as if theyʻd said, “Mom, Iʻm scared” or “Mom, Iʻm scared Iʻm not good enough” or “Mom, the world is scary and I feel very exposed.” What would I say to that? How would I show them all the love in my heart? How would I show them they are not alone? How would I love the shit out of them?

How would I love the shit out of myself?

It seems impossible to me at the moment to fully embrace that I am enough. I know that in the course of my life, I will experience hurt and disappointment. I know that people will be dishonest, cruel, sometimes even with the best intentions. This is a normal part of things. Still, it seems impossible to fully embrace that I am enough and that I deserve all the fucking things I want and need. I will be hurt and disappointed and it is still safe to be open and to be soft and to love with abandon.

There will be days that Iʻll know. Days that Iʻll be so fucking fired up with myself, filled up with myself, bursting with the knowledge of my own beautiful worth. This is my goal. I will not always be like this-- so fearful and unsure-- I will be somewhere else on this journey. I will not always be like this, I will be more sure-footed.

This is the life I choose, you know. I choose this difficult, sometimes ridiculous work of learning to be with old pain, of not running from it, of facing it and loving it and showing it the tenderness it so desires and is worthy of. The work I do is my path, and I believe that more than anything else right now.