The Trick

No matter how you might explain to yourself why your feelings are wrong, your feelings are never wrong.

Itʻs a weird statement. Itʻs a weird idea. My whole life, there was always someone to tell me to feel differently (even if it that person was me). Nah, itʻs not scary, itʻs not hard. Buck up, push through, youʻll feel better once itʻs done. Youʻve done this a million times before, Iʻve done it myself and I wasnʻt scared, look, even that kidʻs doing it, you can too.

So many ways to discount and ignore my feelings, and so much effort put into trying to change how I felt.

I was at Queenʻs West on Wednesday, sitting in the waiting room of the Neuro clinic. I was kind of a wreck, anxiety on full blast. And as recently as this morning, I was saying, “I donʻt know why I was scared! I knew how to get there, I could call my coworkers if I needed directions to the office (and I did!), Iʻm not scared of the procedure, I hear the doctor is very nice.” Itʻs a hard habit to break, that discounting my own feelings thing, and itʻs often disguised as something else. (It often comes to me disguised as comfort! How cruel.)

But as I sat in the waiting room, doing some box breathing, my phone in my pocket and not in my hand, I had a fucking breakthrough. Maybe MY FEAR ISNʻT A PERCEIVED CONSEQUENCE OF THE DISCOMFORT IN MY BODY, MAYBE MY BODY IS RESPONDING TO MY FEAR. Maybe this is what my body feels like when Iʻm scared! Maybe when Iʻm scared, my chest gets tight, my breathing gets shallow(er), and I become light-headed. Maybe I donʻt feel those things because Iʻm dying, maybe there isnʻt the natural consequence of AND SO I MUST BE DYING. Maybe the physical discomfort is the actual consequence: I feel emotions and my body expresses them LIKE THIS.

Maybe I donʻt need to be afraid.

I mean, I was still afraid. Hahaha! Donʻt get me wrong, the epiphany didnʻt dispel the discomfort like I wanted it to. It was no magic pill, no wave of the wand, I didnʻt suddenly feel enlightened and at peace. Pfft. Weʻre talking about a lifetime of bad habits Iʻm trying to change, yo. This new thought, however, changed how I experienced the discomfort.

And thatʻs the trick, right? To bear the thought that we will ALWAYS experience pain and discomfort and disappointment. We will all of us experience tough times. My therapist reminds me, though, that we can feel pain and discomfort, but we do not need to suffer. Isnʻt that wild? Havenʻt you, like me, always just assumed we were meant to suffer? Life is hard, life isnʻt fair! I mean, weʻve all heard it if youʻve ever watched television or movies or read anything published or talked to anyone or doom scrolled through social media. Doesnʻt it rock your mind, like it does mine, that we donʻt have to suffer even as we experience pain?

I just also happened to see on social media the reminder that the goal of my meditation practice is not to find peace, but rather to work with whatʻs going on in the body— to connect with whatʻs there, to discover whatʻs there. Not avoid it, and definitely NOT TO CHANGE IT.

Itʻs ridiculous, the things Iʻm learning for the first time in my nearly half decade of living. Iʻm learning how to literally breathe, how to pay attention to my body, how to decipher its seemingly cryptic language, and how to then meet my bodyʻs needs. Iʻm learning how to cry and feel and experience good things and how to leave responsibility lying on the ground when it isnʻt mine to pick up.

Iʻve always fantasized about myself being this serene hippie lady, riding her bike around town, loafing at the beach or grabbing my boogie board after practicing yoga and meditation, eating lots of fresh produce and much less meat, reading books on the porch while listening to the birds fuck around in my wildly tended yet super productive garden. And yet here I am, an anxious mess!

But honestly, I wouldnʻt change it. This is the work I gotta do to get that life that I want. That I deserve. And Iʻm strong and capable and intelligent and I am so fucking lucky to have the community I have. Iʻve done a shit-ton of work to get where I am, but by no means did I do this alone. Thank you for helping me get to this place. I love you all.