An Open Letter From a Former Mind Reader

In the movie, A Knightʻs Tale, Heath Ledgerʻs character, William, announces that heʻll win the jousting tournament to prove his love for Jocelyn.

Jocelyn, however, is completely unimpressed. She has zero fucks to give. Williamʻs declaration, the same that every other knight in the tournament has made to her, is meaningless because it costs him nothing. Sheʻs like, "Fuck that-- you all win for your own glory, this ainʻt got shit to do with me. Iʻm supposed to be impressed and flattered? Fuck that." But more to the point, winning requires William to demonstrate no vulnerability, and perhaps thatʻs what sheʻs really craving. Some realness. Because when we show our vulnerability to others, we open the door to deeper connections.

Itʻs easy to do things for others that come easily to us. Itʻs easy to treat well those who treat us well. Itʻs easy to demonstrate our physical prowess if weʻre athletic or to sing in front of a crowd if weʻve an excellent voice. I have no problem walking around the beach in only my swimsuit even though I have a far, far, FAR from beach-perfect body. The beach is my safe space and I feel comfortable and confident. Showing you the parts of me that Iʻm already confident about requires little vulnerability. Those parts are easily visible no matter who you are. But ask me to wear revealing dress and put on makeup? Fuuuuuuck thaaaaat.

However, even if I trust you, revealing the uncomfortable bits of myself requires me to take a risk because thereʻs still the fear that though that thing didnʻt break you, this thing might. This thing might be too much or not enough. Too cerebral, too ugly, too real, too superficial, too heavy, too scary, too foolish.

So, this is the work Iʻve been doing. Showing up for myself, being me, leaving myself open to judgment or acceptance. Iʻm going to do my best to be transparent with you. Iʻm going to tell you how I feel, what I like, what I donʻt like. Iʻll try to tell you what I need and want and how you can help. Iʻll ask for your help if I need or want it. Iʻm going to do my best to care for myself and trust that youʻll let me know if I step on your toes. Iʻll probably rub up against your boundaries, but Iʻll trust your judgment. Youʻll say something or not. You can tell me no, for real, but I going ask. I will also possibly appear foolish, naive, or otherwise unattractive, and Iʻll feel super uncomfortable. Iʻll get over it. Garanz.

And I know that there are pieces of you that youʻre afraid to show the world or just your special person, but want to. Or wish you could. Maybe, like me, your tolerance for faking shit has dropped dramatically. You desire authenticity and genuine connection. You want to drop the pretense and be present with your flawed self.

Well, Iʻll be there for you. Yes, you, my (few) readers. Dear friends. You can tell me what you need and what you want. You can tell me how I can help and then ask for my help. I canʻt read your mind, you know, and Iʻm kind of tired of anticipating and fulfilling. Because the transaction where we actually communicate with each other about what matters to us, thatʻs where we build trust, empathy, and love. At least, the kind that Iʻm looking for in all my relationships.

And I know itʻs shame to care about stuff. Or at least to show that you care about stuff. Youʻre supposed to keep it inside, be cool, be stoic, suffer in silence, pretend youʻre not hurting or confused or even frustrated. Youʻre supposed to be sunshine and bubbles and cotton candy. Youʻre not supposed to tell people, "I hurt. I need you." Shelley and I were fucking going over this yesterday and the numerous ways this shows up in our lives and pisses us the fuck off.

From Brene Brownʻs The Gifts of Imperfection

 
Because for someone like me who suffers from general anxiety, I sometimes feel like Iʻm the only one who cares about anything. In my nearly 45 years, I know (and, I mean, I KNOW) Iʻm not. I know there are times when youʻre faking it, too. I know you donʻt want me (read: the world) to know youʻre upset, tired, anxious, scared, angry, sad. You want to keep things light. You want people to believe youʻre as easy-going as you seem. You no like complain. You donʻt want to make humbug.

But make humbug, okay? Kehau and Shani hear it from me alllllll the damn time. I make choke humbug for them and have been for years and years and years. They know they can make humbug for me, too. No have to be stoic all the time. Itʻs human to complain. I going let you know, okay? No have to worry that I no can handle or that I no like handle, which might be kind of worse, yeah? To think the people you love and love you choose not to embrace you.

Cuz if you know me at all, you know the kind of person I am. I challenge you right now to think of a time when Iʻve intentionally been a dick to you. When have I not rolled with the punches? When did I not gracefully accept what was? Hard for do, right? Iʻm pretty fucking flexible, forgiving, and accepting. This not bragging or delusion. This is observation. This is self-knowledge. People have called me a sucker for this, and itʻs taken me plenty years to reject that idea. I care because I care. I no can help if you take advantage of me.

Fair warning, though: I might not be as easy going as I once was. Iʻve been working on setting, observing, and maintaining boundaries.

So know this as well: if you tell me youʻre fine and youʻre not, no expect me to read between the lines. No tell me you all good if you not. No tell me you not carrying bags if you stay holding bags in both your hands. No make me guess. Cuz I will give whatever I can to you, my friend. I will support you however I can. Even if you push me away, you know Iʻll never leave you hanging. You know me. You gotta be one humongous fucking jerk for me to cut you out (and even then, maybe not? Not forever, anyway). No be shame, even, to say, "You know what? I changed my mind." Cuz I change my mind, too. Sometimes, what I thought was, maybe isnʻt anymore. But I wonʻt know that you need me unless YOU FUCKING SAY SO.

Trusting each other with our authentic selves doesnʻt mean we give in to each other or sacrifice ourselves. It does not mean we decline to each other. So, maybe I canʻt give you what you ask for and maybe you no like give me what I need. Thatʻs fine. When Jocelyn tells him to lose, William says nope. He no like. Losing isnʻt a small thing, either. At this point in the movie, Jocelyn doesnʻt understand that losing the tournament has far more consequences than just a bruised ego. But itʻs still his choice, and I canʻt imagine that she expected a different answer in the first place. This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie because I love that they were both brave (stupid?) enough to say what they meant at that moment even if it put them in conflict with each other.

At this point in my fucking life, Iʻd rather experience a little bit of conflict or disappointment for even a chance of meaningful connection with you than sacrifice all meaningful connection for a bunch of guessing games just so I can maintain this illusion of nonchalance. Itʻs so not the fucking business.