Iʻve written so many blogs about anxiety and depression, especially since beginning this healing and growing journey back in 2018. Back then, I just wanted everything to go back to the way they it was prior to my hysterectomy. In my opinion, EVERYTHING was better prior to that (except for, you know, all the bleeding).
But it really wasnʻt. Nothing was better. The only thing that WAS better was ME at deceiving myself.
I also wrote quite a bit about community. Community as mode of healing. And I was really just projecting. I was hoping. Iʻd watched so many zombie shows, read so many post-apocalyptic books that I KNEW salvation is found when folks come together. I knew, but I didnʻt actually believe. Yet.
Side note: It still astounds me, the steadfast faith I had in the first few years that I was on this path that ultimately HEALING WOULD COME.
And here I am again. Things change FAST, yo. Here I am in the middle of another unforeseen, unplanned difficult time. There are times I feel so unmoored, so scared... no, TERRIFIED. Iʻm sad and confused and sometimes I even feel shame! Shame! At being laid off. As if I had anything to do with that. As if I hadnʻt done exemplary work and demonstrated a dedication to moral and ethical integrity.
Inhale, outhale. Breathe. This isnʻt about that.
This is about how the work you do becomes your fucking path. If Kanani of seven years ago hadnʻt laid the foundation for today Kanani, would I even be here? Because I believed that healing would come, I have this community of people. And if you donʻt know, that belief? That work of foundation-laying? Itʻs AWFUL. Itʻs the seed ripping itself wide, it is destroying what was so that what can be, you know, CAN BE. And I did it. I continue to do it (although the good news is that it isnʻt always such body-wrenching work). I believed and put in the work and here I am. Not only am I a part of this community, I actively created it for myself! I fashioned it!
And now, at last, we find ourselves at the end of this long and winding path to the point of this blog: I have such amazing people in my life. I have such amazing LOVE in my life. I donʻt even know how to talk about it. Iʻve been trying for days to write this, to release this into the world, but words often fall short. And they fall short BIG TIME.
Without going into specifics, my community has come through big time. I have been on the receiving end of their love in unexpected ways, in ways I hadnʻt even hoped for. I have been offered and given so much! Including the only thing I really asked for, which was to observe my initial boundary: let me grieve for a week before we talk about business. Let me vent, let me cry and rant, let me FEEL before we talk CVs and job opportunities and bills.
I asked for a thing, and they were like, yes! And all the things I didnʻt have to ask for or think to ask for, they were there for that, too. Their outrage on my behalf, their sorrow, their friendly texts, their impulse to help and support.
When my ex-husband moved out a few years ago, I was left with this literal and figurative mess. I was on anti-depressants at the time and it took all the strength I had just to take a shower or put food in my face, nevermind scrub my shower or wash the dishes. And it was at this moment that Ami imparted the truly wise words: let your friends love you.
Itʻs crazy to think that what my community has done in the past few days are acts of love. It wasnʻt that long ago that just the IDEA of hanging out with friends made me feel like I was DYING. I didnʻt know how to be a friend, I didnʻt know how to have friends. I couldnʻt even ask Meredith to go walking with me. No, I couldnʻt even ask her what time she wanted to go walking when SHE invited ME!
Let your friends love you was way harder than it seems. It seems like such a passive thing, to allow something to happen. To just not stop it, right? DO NOTHING. Hahahaha! Iʻm literally laughing right now. Oh, friends. Not easy.
Because to allow myself to be loved is to believe Iʻm worthy of love in the first fucking place.
TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE LOVED IS TO BELIEVE IʻM WORTHY OF LOVE.
I die. And yet I havenʻt.
Not only am I worthy of love, I actually have begun to believe it.
Without all the work that Iʻve put in, I likely would not have been ready to receive all that my family and friends have already given. I definitely wouldnʻt have been able to communicate what I needed. And while you overwhelm me with your generosity and love, Iʻm also astounded by my own ability to receive, even if awkwardly.
Postscript: I donʻt usually do all the links thing to other, older blogs, but it felt appropriate. Think of them as backstories to illustrate the journey Iʻve been on and how I got to here. It mostly wasnʻt fun. It hurt A LOT. And thatʻs why Iʻm so amazed I actually continued to choose that more difficult path. Thatʻs how I learned to love myself, and thatʻs how I learned to be a part of community.
