Bullshit Binary

How do you friendship, people? How does one do that? How does one relationships with others?

Because about the only way I know how to do that is with half my heart in jail and the other half tentatively held out to you. It has not always been thus, but it's been long enough that I don't know what the fuck to be doing friends and relationshiplies. I can't even use real words, kinda like Jess can't say "penis" in New Girl:

I'm so fucking good at keeping people at a distance. My ability to come off indifferent, disinterested, and cold has not gone unnoticed by people I've loved. I was completely and utterly baffled when a boy I cared deeply about said to me, "I don't think you're interested in my life." Brat! You're the ONLY fucking person I'm interested in! How could you not know that??

Years later, I have some guesses. Maybe it had something to do with my erratic attention span? My extreme reluctance to show any vulnerability? Maybe it's the way I've weaponized self-reliance, like how fucking dare you show me kindness and generosity. How fucking DARE YOU. Maybe it's because I could say I love you with all of my dry, shriveled heart, but never dared to ask simple questions like, "What you doing today?" or "How's things?"

Because honestly, I can't imagine a world in which you're genuinely interested in being my friend and treating me with respect and love. I believe you will choose to hurt me because I'm easily discardable and easily replaceable. I don't believe I matter, I don't believe I have any value. This is how I experience friendship!

And though I've been beating myself up today, as the two seemingly opposite impulses wage war within-- connect, Kanani! No, disengage!-- I understand one of my mistakes is thinking it's either I trust you OR I learn to live without you. I built the binary construct and defined the terms, believing they were inviolable. They are not. 

Yes, trusting you is so HARD that it sometimes tears me up inside. I had a little meltdown today because I want so much to be more open, to be more vulnerable, but I am so terrified at the prospect. I am so inexperienced and I don't really know how to do the trust. How do trust working? How be I friending? Tell me where to put my leg, which muscles to engage, where I should look, the right amount of salt to use and at which temperature, how and when to use a semicolon, which they're/their/there to use so I know how to do relationships because I don't know how to in a way that feeds us both.

Even if trusting is one of the hardest things I've ever learned to do, I can reject the idea that it's either I trust you or I push you out of my life. (Side note: that binary is bullshit, anyway, especially if I'm keeping you at arm's length). I define the terms and the terms are ever violable. They are SO violable. Let's violate them together, shall we? Also, there's no either/or, it's not an if/then statement. It's just:

I'm learning to trust me.

I'm learning to trust you.

I'm learning to build healthy relationships.

 

By the way, it only LOOKS like I think of everything in terms of New Girl. I mean, if I DO, it's only cuz it cracks me up. And they also have moments like this where they illustrate the thing: we crave closeness but we're scared of being vulnerable and hurt, so we put up a front to protect ourselves, which only drives others farther away. We hurt ourselves.

 And now that I'm thinking about it, I have referenced New Girl A LOT in my blogs lqtm

I (Try Not to) Hate My Body

I am not loving my body lately. I’m frustrated and sad and really very much the opposite of confident. Insecure doesn’t seem like a strong or appropriate enough word, but it also isn’t hate. I think I’m confused.

I’m not familiar with this body as it changes and evolves. I have never had this body before kind of in the way that people say you can’t step in the same river twice, you know? But also, I have never had muscles like this. My arms are big, my shoulders are like medium-sized rocks, I can actually feel a tautness throughout my core, and even my ass feels different in my clothes.

And talking with my guy coworkers recently (the last time I ever worked with men was in my early 20s), their fitness goals are so different from what I’m used to hearing from my female friends. Women talk a lot about losing weight, and these guys talk about bulking up. Their individual goals vary, for sure, but none of them talk about losing weight. Not one of them. And this very different perspective encourages me to view my body in new ways. Not just individually, either. It also forces me to consider the double standard when it comes to what women’s and men’s bodies are “supposed” to look like and the various ways we’re coerced into buying into these expectations.

Still, my body is confounding me. I don’t understand what’s going on. The muscles really don’t help because even though my clothes still fit about the same, they’re more snug around my arms and chest. And I wouldn’t trade that added strength for a smaller tummy! I really wouldn’t. I need that strength to pole and I think it's is sexy, honestly. However, I struggle to reconcile the muscles with this idea of being thin still. I worry that I’m getting fat, that I’m failing. I feel ugly and awkward. I don’t know how to accept the added bulk that my male coworkers prize in their own bodies. I don’t know how to make sense of the way my clothes fit, especially when I don’t think I’ve ever had an accurate idea of what that is. Clothes that fit, I mean.

Even now, my workout tops fit differently. They’re looser around my chest, and I can tell because the arm holes are baggier, but feel the about same around my belly. What did they fit like before? What are they supposed to fit like? Is it my body or is it the fit of my clothes? I don’t know!

I was looking at myself in the mirror tonight as we were warming up in pole, and I was amazed at what my arms and shoulders looked like when we’re doing arm circles. Not too bad! They’re strong and confident. And then I saw my face and had to avert my eyes. Yuck. This is my inner conflict in a nutshell. Wow but ew. Yay but no. Amazing progress but still so much failure. I’ll figure it out, but right now, it’s just bumming me out.