Has this ever happened to you?
Someone asks you what you want for Christmas and you say, "I want a Walkman."
So they get you a hi-fi stereo.
And thatʻs so generous, right? You say thank you and enjoy your new stereo, but you canʻt listen to it on the bus like you wanted.
Then they ask what you want for your birthday and you say, "I want a Walkman."
Then they get you a portable radio. You know, like what some folks call a boom box.
And thatʻs so generous, right? You say thank you and enjoy your new radio, but you canʻt listen to it on the bus like you wanted.
Christmas rolls around again and they ask you want you want. You say, "I want a Walkman.
And they get you a gift certificate for Tower Records. Itʻs enough for a couple of cassette tapes, but not enough for a Walkman. And you still canʻt listen to those tapes on the bus like you wanted because you donʻt fucking have a Walkman.
Iʻve struggled with this my whole life. I want a thing, I ask for it, and get something else thatʻs thoughtful and generous, but not what I asked for. What the fuck do you do besides say thank you?
Because it isnʻt really about the stereo, radio, or gift certificate. Itʻs about the fucking Walkman. Itʻs about what I fucking asked for. And itʻs not even about the thing I asked for, itʻs about being heard.
Itʻs so hard, you know. Because I know youʻre being generous and kind, but I donʻt feel heard or seen or validated. And saying that to you after youʻve been generous and kind seems really selfish and ungrateful, and itʻs not so much that Iʻm afraid of being viewed as selfish and ungrateful, I donʻt want to hurt your feelings. I donʻt want to reject your gift, the effort you made, your thoughtfulness. That shitʻs valuable. That shitʻs precious and special.
Perhaps thatʻs my problem? In an episode of New Girl, Schmidt is aghast to learn that Jess actually CARES about other peopleʻs feelings. "How do you get anything done?" he asks. He then gives her a pep talk-- one that I can relate to even though Iʻm clearly Jess in this scenario-- about how sheʻs the last piece of pie.
I recognize that caring about peopleʻs feelings is an integral part of my being. I donʻt want to give that up. However, I canʻt value your feelings over mine, not as often as I do. Yeah, sure, sometimes itʻs truly the right thing to do, especially if weʻre friends, but not always. Also, me telling you this? Itʻs not about feeling ungrateful; itʻs about feeling unheard and unseen.
And Iʻm learning to use my voice, I truly am. Part of that growth, though, is wondering how I can tell you exactly what I want (a Walkman) and you continue to give me only what youʻre willing to give (stereo, radio, CDs)? Iʻm a big, strong girl, and I can deal with this weird situation in a healthy-ish way. But you gotta realize that youʻre communicating something important, something that I process as Iʻm not really a priority.
I can deal with that-- I have for years-- but letʻs just be clear about it, okay? Because Iʻve been wondering for a couple of weeks already how many years I been waiting for a Walkman and getting everything else BUT that. You have your reasons, I know, except maybe you donʻt realize how it makes me feel.
This blog is gonna ruffle some feathers, and you know me-- Iʻm not at all comfortable with that. Yet Iʻm going to publish this anyway. Got to. It feels like the truest thing, the most authentic thing Iʻve tried to write in two months
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