Dear Diary: My Analog Life, Seven Months in the Making

I've been keeping some form of a journal since I was in the fifth grade and my Aunty Irma gave me a pink My Melody hardcover diary. It had never occurred to me before that day to ever keep a diary, but having a tool specifically for that purpose was inspiring. For the rest of my life, I'd use spiral-bound notebooks, then Xanga, then MySpace, and eventually Blogger. I wrote extensively on MySpace, and then they unceremoniously deleted ALL. MY. BLOGS. They deleted everyone's blogs. And in true Kanani fashion, I blogged about it here.

And then I had a partial hysterectomy and dipped my toe into the darkness for a little bit. My doctor prescribed a gratitude journal. That gratitude journal morphed into a bullet journal, which I also wrote about blog about here. Why am I writing about this again, you ask? Because that first blog was about MySpace, the next was about the tactile sensation of writing with a pen on paper, and this one is about what writing in a bullet journal for seven months has done for me. Daily analog journaling is like physical therapy for my entire person: fix what's problematic by supporting all the little surrounding muscles to achieve balance. To get a feel for that, you kinda gotta know about form and function.

1. Intent and Focus. I don't have to wait around to see what kind of a day I'll have. I don't have to wonder how I'll handle challenges or unknowns. I can set my intention and root myself in it first thing in the morning. My intent has often been as simple as "Don't fall asleep!" and "Happy," or as complicated (and vague) as "confident," "patient," and "receptive." I even have one day that my intent was to be "as not sick as possible."
2. Affirmations. Sometimes it isn't enough to simply state my intent for the day so I may have to pump myself up. This is where I remind myself that I am capable of facing any challenge and outline a generic plan of attack, just in case. Feeling underprepared leads to feeling panicked and vulnerable, and these affirmations help to minimize those negative emotions. I may not be in complete control of what goes on in my life or what happens to me, but I can improve my ability to deal with those things with grace and confidence.
3. Productivity. I have lists galore! To Do, Daily Goals, Weekly Goals, Monthly Goals, and Long-Term Projects. It's amazing how productive I thought I was and how productive I am now. Such a disconnect! These lists also provide a handy reminder of when I did things, like made a call to Hawaii Community Genetics or last took Lucy for Physical Therapy.
1. To Do: shit that needs doing like depositing a check, return library books, drop off donations at Goodwill.
2. Daily Goals: shit I aim to do or accomplish that day, which is different from To Do. Things like be compassionate to myself, read one chapter, floss once/brush twice, or text two friends.
3. Weekly Goals: shit I want to do or accomplish within the next week, like one continuous week of journaling, hit the gym at least twice, finish and submit that damn FAFSA.
4. Monthly goals, too! May's goals are: gym at least twice a week, at-home workout at least once as week, and blog at least once a week. I also set a monthly intent that I focus on, like "Practice patience."
5. Long-Term Projects: shit that doesn't need to be finished immediately or that need planning to finish. On this list would be stuff like Mother's Day craft ideas, Journal Jar ideas, work reminders, upcoming birthdays and events, and large project ideas broken down into smaller steps.
   
4. Creativity. As weird as this is going to sound, I can't always write. I can be unmotivated, confused, or unable to express myself in words, so I'll sketch. "Sketch" is used very, very loosely. It can just be lines and colors. I've also used this space to write haiku (to meet my monthly goal of writing at least one haiku a day, which is pretty easy if you're unconcerned about quality).
5. Reflections. I got spaces for daily reflections and monthly reflections. I use these spaces to vent about challenges and work through my feelings. I also celebrate any small victories, especially when I respond to a challenge in a new, more productive way EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK. Even if that shit blows up in my face, working to break destructive patterns is something to celebrate. If I don't have anything to write about that day, I can pull a prompt from my Journal Jar, and then two projects join forces in total Kanani synergy!
6. Self-care. How did I love myself today? How did I reaffirm my self-worth? This one can be more difficult than it sounds because I'm especially not good at this. I don't take care of me. I don't value myself enough. I've often written "I don't know" in this section, so then I realized I needed to add a tool to my journal.
7. Tools. These might look like ordinary lists, and you wouldn't be entirely wrong. One of the huge lessons I've learned through this bullet journaling/therapeutic process is that I am often woefully underprepared to meet life's challenges. I didn't have effective coping strategies nor could I even accurately describe what I felt, wanted, or needed. In my journal, I've dedicated pages to lists enumerating methods of self-care and self-soothing, lists of emotions (because nuance, yo), and even (most recently) a budding bucket list. These help me identify what I'm feeling, effectively ride out the feeling in the greatest amount of comfort (which is usually not much), and then figure out how best to manage in the future.

I take my journal everywhere. When you see me carrying a backpack, you can bet my journal is in there. It is more than a source of abstract comfort. It is a reference for appointments, phone calls, and due dates. It is a reminder to breathe, to feel, and to connect. It is a resource for meeting goals and developing ideas.

Could all of this be achieved online, in a digital format? Probably. I would be able to access everything from any computer, tablet, or smartphone, right? I could easily do a search for a keyword or name instead of coming up with color-coded keys or using sticky tabs and Post-its. I wouldn't have to also tote around a small arsenal of pencils and multi-colored pens (ballpoints, fine lines, and broad-tip markers).

Except that sounds like boring to me. That sounds like less work, sure, but also less fun. Part of the meditation of journaling is found in the creation of the journal template itself, which I've altered multiple times. I mark out the lines with a straight edge and then name the various sections. The lines and the section titles are always the same color, but I vary the color of the text for visual stimulation.

It's also the first time in a very long time that I've actually purchased a notebook and used every single page in it. The last time I did that must have been in high school. An analog journal also provides an excuse to indulge in writing implements and crafting supplies, and has led to a renewed interest in creating visual art. Also, writing long-hand is HARD. You gotta force your hand to make shapes at the appropriate sizes in the appropriate places, and there is no backspace button, which means you gotta think about what you're doing when you're doing it. This is what we call Mindfulness: doing something with intent. And it really is a meditation all on its own.

I could argue, in fact, that it's all about Mindfulness. Sitting at my desk is a deliberate act. It says, "It's time to be productive." I sit at my desk and work on projects now rather than Facebook posts. I'm going to pay some bills, do some writing, begin a craft. In fact, I've been reimagining my personal space and literally surrounding myself with what I know will help me achieve my goals. This is what I consider supporting the work I want to do, which isn't very different than drawing out my journal templates every day. I needed to find a way to celebrate each day, to remind myself of my intrinsic value, to be mindful of what I do, what I want to do, and what I want to stop doing.

I don't exist simply to pay the bills, to wash dishes, hang laundry, or watch TV. Being lazy is good. Loafing around the house without a bra on is good. Binge-watching How to Get Away with Murder is fine. There is value in decompressing, but I've found that it is also very easy to lose myself to the distractions of the world and forget that there are things I want to do. There are things I want to create, ways in which to grow, habits I want to develop or discard.

My daily journal helps me focus on what I want in life, helps me stay grounded, and helps me filter through all the daily distractions-- or find one to linger on. It doesn't require batteries or a USB charge. I don't have to turn it on, swipe in any direction, or mute it on the bus. It isn't just about being better organized, I am better armed when surrounded by chaos. Can you shove a ticket to an event between the pages of your phone? Can you staple a playbill to the keyboard of your laptop? Well, even if you can, I can't.

But now that this bullet journal is nearly full, first page to last, the big question is: do I buy the same journal or try something new? What you think?

UglyGirl (or How Many Times Can You Say "Dress?")

I wore a dress today that we might as well call Instant Regret. I thought it looked nice when I tried it on at the store and even when I put it on before work today, but as soon as I stepped out of my room, I hated it.

Some people said nice things, which felt okay even if it felt more like kindness than truth. My niece said to me, "That's a big dress," and then she repeated herself for good measure. I wasn't and still not sure what she meant. It made me feel like a tent. An elephant. A hot air balloon. An overstuffed pillow.

I was tempted to change my clothes before I went to my second job. To put on something maybe more flattering or comfortable. I even took off the dress while I did the dishes and made a lunch I would forget to take with me. For some reason, call it punishment or atonement, I put the dress back on and forged ahead to downtown Honolulu.

Waiting for someone to let me in, I had the chance to catch my reflection in the window, and my reflection confirmed my suspicion: I looked awful in that dress. I should never have purchased that dress. I don't know why I did.

Everything I've been feeling lately can be wrapped up tidily (or messily, depending on perspective) in today's dress. I am ridiculously embarrassed. Why? Multiple reasons.

1. I actually thought the dress was nice looking and looked nice on me
2. I bought the dress.
3. I put the dress on, thinking I looked nice, but really I looked terrible.
4. People were nice to me about the dress I was wearing, and I feel bad that they were. "Say 'thank you'" be damned. I have sweet friends.
5. I put the dress back on even when I had the opportunity to change clothes.
6. I feel bad about the dress.

When it comes down to it, it's just poor choices and feeling bad about myself. The dress felt like a sign I was wearing that told people all my secrets, revealed all the things I don't like about myself, and invited others to chime in. Am I being harsh and unreasonable? Probably. Not one person was mean. Everyone was either silent or kind.

The dress now lays bundled up in a heap on the floor. I got home from work and tore it off. I will step on it, kick it around, hope it picks up some dust bunnies, and try to forget about it before I ever pick it up again. It does not belong on a hanger in my closet. It belongs in the trash.

Did you know that it's May already? It is. I wish I could hibernate for a month.