As a Woman . . .

What does it mean to be strong?

Does it mean she has muscles? She can benchpress her body weight, run a marathon, swim across the Molokaʻi Channel?

Does it mean she's tireless? Is she indefatigable? She works her nine-to-five then comes home for the second shift, which may or may not include homework help, cooking, cleaning, and shuttling kids to and from extracurricular events. She does it all!

Does it mean she doesn't rely on others to get shit done? She takes out the trash, washes the dishes, fixes the broken bike tire, carries all the groceries to the house from the car not because she needs to, but because she can.

Is a strong woman resilient? She bounces back in no time! She doesn't mope about, doesn't wallow in self-pity. She keeps going as if she wasn't just kicked in the shin or bopped on the nose.

Is she self-aware? She knows her limits, her dreams, her dislikes. She knows her body and mind. She knows where she's going and where she's been. She is unapologetic about who she is and doesn't let others define her.

Perhaps a strong woman doesn't take shit from nobody. Like, for real. She is no nonsense cuz she ain't got time for it. She won't let herself be pushed around or taken for a fool. She respects herself and expects others to do so as well.

Does a strong woman suffer in silence? Will her eulogy contain the words, "She was a generous soul who never bothered anyone for anything"?

Is a strong woman humble? She is grateful for what she has in this life and doesn't complain.

Wanna know something? I don't really know what a strong woman is. I catch glimpses of her in the mirror from time to time, and I think I'd see her more if I knew what I was looking for. Isn't that kind of a strange? Because you can break an idea into its individual pieces and then define that thing by those individual components, but by doing so, you make all kinds of specious assumptions about the world and the people in it. What I'm only starting to realize is that some ideas and some goals are in motion. They aren't places-- either geographical or ideological-- and they aren't even always achievable. So this idea of "strength" may be used to describe a woman, but not every strong woman will be defined by the same thing, nor will that same woman be defined in the same way in every situation or even similar situations.

That's a bit wobbly, I know. Let me briefly illustrate my point. A woman may have five babies and her experience of each pregnancy will be different. Each pregnancy may go exactly as the one before it: the morning sickness, the weight gain, even the labor and birth. But mom won't be the same. She will have different needs, possibly a different job, spouse, or place of residence. So much can change and so much can change her, and she will need different supports at different times even if everything else is more or less the same.

When I was younger, I was proud that I was self-reliant. I was physically strong, could play at least four different instruments, and wasn't the kind of girl who needed a partner to make her feel whole. I went to the movies alone, caught the bus around the island alone, and could even change a flat tire. I eventually became self-aware enough to make my own decisions even if they went against what was expected of me, and to verbalize what I wanted and to pass on what didn't satisfy. I was proud of my strengths.

I am no longer a teenager. And though I haven't been for decades, it has only occurred to me now that I cannot hold myself up to my teenaged standards. Self-reliance these days means something quite different. Self-awareness may actually resemble itself over the course of years, but what it produces is also something newer. Maddeningly, it might not even always be different. It might be the same! It can change from moment to moment because I can change.

I am learning to forgive myself if I'm not who I want to be-- if I'm not kind or generous or insightful enough. I am learning that I can be multiple things at one time: angry, loving, compassionate, and selfish. I am learning that being a strong woman doesn't mean I have to be (or should be) strong all the time (or hard all the time), and that if biting my tongue in one situation makes me strong, being strong in another situation might mean that I scream at the top of my lungs.

Even now when I see that the face of a strong woman belongs to my sister, my mom, my coworker, my daughter, or really any of the women I know, I admire them and envy them their equanimity, wisdom, talent, or intelligence. However, I also respect their decision, intentional or not, to be that woman of strength and character. Situations that require us to be strong usually make it tough to be strong. We think that some women instinctively do what needs to be done, and we think we need to be that person. But I believe that those instincts rely on muscle memory. Those instincts come from repeatedly making the choice to endure in a manner that resonates with each woman as "strength," and perhaps has less to do with the grace with which she acts, and more to do with perseverance and compassion. What I'm saying is that we can all be that person. Whatever our differences, we all have the capacity to be that person.

The kind of women we respect for their courage, wisdom, and strength really do exist, I believe. I don't think they're a thing of fiction, but our idols are not what they seem, which is not their fault or even to their detriment. We hold these women in such high regard and desire to be like them, but they are human and they falter, they doubt, they screw up. Allowing myself to screw up is a kind of strength, wouldn't you say? Being selfish can be strength, too. It can also be liberating. I tend to expect myself to be perfect all the time instead of being good some of the time. It is exhausting and debilitating and self-defeating.

If you search the internet, you betcha you can find articles galore that will tell you what a strong woman is. You'll discover lists and lists! I like to think that these are not meant to define strength, but rather help us identify it when we see it. They are helpful to remind ourselves that the faces of strength are varied and fluid. It can also be inspiring to see how so many women around the world struggle with and sometimes even conquer their myriad battles against all types of adversity. All I really hope to do here is to remind myself to be kind to myself, to be patient with myself, and to remind you to be kind to and patient with yourself.