On the Shoulders of Those Who Came Before and Why I Know I Can

I've been looking for a part-time/summer job, and have been on two interviews so far. Neither interview has made me nervous. In fact, I've gone into both with confidence and at ease. Now part of this I chalk up to confidence in myself. I'm smart, talented, and capable. I work well with others and I can follow directions. Also, I've come to realize that I'm all these things and whatever self-doubt I might have about any position I apply for stems from my ignorance of things I couldn't possibly know ahead of time, like company policies and procedures, discipline-specific terminology, and interpersonal/interdepartmental politics. And the confidence I have has been nurtured by so many different people, so I feel all of their support behind me almost in a literal sense, as if I'm standing on shoulders.

This morning, for example, I arrived early to my interview, so I went into Walmart to kill time and cool off. I found myself standing in front of the local/Hawaiian books, and was confronted with some powerful (if not obvious) insight.

These are my people. This is my blood. The people who wrote these stories, who navigated, danced, endured, and sacrificed are my ancestors. I descend from these people. Their blood flows through my body. Their knowledge is my knowledge, their strength is mine, too. This is where I come from, this is my heritage, this is the well from which I draw. And that's powerful and humbling, and also a reminder that I am strong and capable of great things. Which, I kind of have to point out, doesn't make me special necessarily, it's just recognizing that the potential for greatness that lies in all of us is also within me.

Another thing that brings me confidence is my experiences at UHM. I was lucky to have studied under some really great professors that I hold in high esteem. In fact, these professors/scholars are well-respected by people all over the fricken WORLD, okay? And these professors not only know my name, they've nurtured my skills, invested in my work, and have told me repeatedly, "You are absolutely capable of doing these things, you just have to have faith in your writing." These men and women who are respected around the world in various circles BELIEVE IN ME.

Now, if you know me, you know how riddled with doubts I can be. It isn't modesty I'm feigning, it really is this idea that what I have is nothing special. That, as my conversation with one of these professors revealed, I know what good writing can look like, and I don't write like that. But that's not something I can keep telling myself because it just isn't true. I don't write like Brandon Sanderson or Dean Koontz-- authors who make a lot of money doing what they do. I also happen to have personal friends who are fucking kick-ass novelists, poets, and playwrights. And I don't write like any of them. I think so many of them are "better" writers than I, but what the fuck does that really mean? Better?

Anyway, my point is that this line of thinking disrespects the investment of not just my professors, but my friends and family as well. It dishonors my heritage, whether it be my Hawaiian or Chinese or Japanese ancestors. The time my teachers have put into my work, the sacrifices my family has made so that I can pursue my interests and dreams, the flexibility of my bosses and coworkers at Kahala, all for nothing if I keep hiding behind a shroud of denial and fear. It's easy to lose that self-awareness and confidence.

So, while I've been writing this blog, I was offered and accepted a part-time job. I start tomorrow, actually, and the wonderful thing is that it should fit nicely with my gig at Kahala, assuming they have me back. Cuz now that I don't have classes and I've got all this training, I'm excited to apply all of that in my real life. I'm excited to focus on exactly what's in front of me, the moment it's in front of me. I'm excited to learn new things and meet new people and try to see the world a little differently.

Wish me luck.