I Will Not Take These Things for Granted

It's been less than a month since I got health insurance, and it still feels like Christmas. I'm thrilled, I'm relieved, and health insurance is like a good book I want to recommend to all my friends. Like Oprah, I want to leave it under everyone's seat and surprise them at the end of the show.

I need to explain this to you even if it's obvious, because it isn't obvious to everyone and it's important.

Nothing has been wrong with me except stress. I've had a huge knot at the base of my neck for years, and I always assumed it was there because I'm fat. It's a fatty deposit-- like a third boob at the top of my back, a girl's dream come true. Only now that my physical therapists have been taking me through the stretches and have been applying massage techniques to the right places that I realize that thing isn't fat, it's a knot of muscle. That thought is more disgusting to me than the idea of a boob on my back, not just because I hate it, but because I was wrong about it this whole time. My assumptions were wrong and I haven't been doing enough to care for myself.

Exercise is obvious. Exercise more, move more, walk more. Eating healthy and in moderation is also obvious. Avoid sugar, trans fats, sugar substitutes, consume less meat. Eat more organic, drink more water. Sleep is another must. We must sleep more. And these are all good things for your body. This is how you care for your body.

In a good month, I work out at least three times a week at the Y, doing cardio and weight training. Since last July, I've given up my morning coffee, soda, (most) fast food (including french fries), most processed foods. I drink more water, eat more dark leafy greens, and treat myself to healthier snacks. I thought I was doing good for my self-care.

Until April 2016 when I had a bit of a breakdown. A combination of things happened then-- I caught a cold, dropped a full bottle of wine on my toe and probably broke it, and just after that I was light headed and dizzy for a few days. None of that would have really shaken my confidence even as they converged over the same week, but I worried because I didn't have any health insurance. We could afford the insurance if it were offered, but no way could we foot the entire bill a doctor's trip and the associated tests would incur.

So many times between April and July 5 was I tempted to write this blog. I wanted to talk about how each time in my life that I've obsessed/panicked over something it resulted in positive life changes. And though that's true, I couldn't bring myself to write that story. It felt false. I wasn't learning a lesson if I kept perpetuating the problem.

I don't know how to manage stress.

I mean, come on, a huge knot has been taking up real estate on my back for years and I never realized. And we sometimes don't know something's value until we break.

These last few months have shown me the importance of mental health. Of breathing, stretching, posture, and mindfulness. It's not that I've never learned coping skills along the way-- I've just ignored them. I've seen how easy it is to slip into an anxiety attack, and how easy it is to get so caught up in your own head that logic means close to nothing. I've been convinced so many times since April that I was on the verge of dying. I've been scared so many nights that something was physically wrong with me that I'd need to make a trip to the ER at any minute.

The tests have shown that nothing is physically wrong with me. I am not diabetic, my blood pressure is good, my heart's functioning like it should. Everything is as it should be, and yet I was still having some panic episodes. I talked to my doctor about it, and she listened and encouraged and helped. Ultimately, she recommended I see a psychologist to help deal with stress, and I'm not ashamed to say it. Whatever I need to do to feel good and to feel comfortable going to the gym again and getting a good workout. To sit through a lecture without feeling like my body's going to explode.

But let me tell you that talking to my doctor about it was enough to help. Being able to confide these feelings to a health professional I trust took a great weight off my chest. Knowing that I can see a physical therapist to help work my body the right way, or see a psychologist to help align a healthy mind to a healthy body-- this is priceless. And that is why it's Christmas. These are gifts, and I feel lucky to have them.

It's really hard to not have medical insurance. You become more aware of headaches, dizziness, colds and coughs, and blurred vision. Well-meaning people commiserate, but often are unable to effect any change or help in any meaningful way. It is isolating. Illogical thoughts seem rational: I stopped taking my multi-vitamin because some part of me wondered if I were being TOO healthy!

I am thankful that I have a great internist. She understands my needs, and because she's also Charlie's doctor, she is familiar with my family dynamic. I am thankful for my husband's awesomeness and his tireless efforts at making sure I'm taken care of. I am thankful to have medical and dental insurance. I look at my bills with the same awe as watching David Copperfield at the Neal Blaisdell Center because seeing how much something costs and then seeing how little I'm charged is like magic.

I will not take these things for granted.