Jonah came over late Sunday afternoon. The sun was already setting, it was getting chilly, and Shelley and her kids were loading themselves into their car to head home. Later when it was just me and Jonah, we started to talk about trials, surprised that while our current issues were exact opposites, we were basically facing the same beast. He spoke of that day's church service and how it was about exactly what we were discussing. They read from the book of James and talked about facing your trials with joy in your heart. Intrigued, I pressed for more information. How is this possible? How can we do this?
But I'm getting ahead of myself. While we were outside, standing around Shelley's car, we started singing old Sunday School songs. For my younger siblings, these songs are hard to listen to (let alone sing) because they bring back painful memories of a difficult time in our lives. But they do the opposite for me. They remind me of a difficult and painful time, certainly, but I was older than they and I was already looking for a way to cope. I sought and found solace in the Bible, in prayer, and in the fellowship found at church. Because my life was in flux at that time, the only constant was church.
So, I'm thinking of these songs on my way home from work yesterday, thinking of the conversation I had with Jonah about finding joy, and I started singing. "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...." There's a verse in that song that says, "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart," which, not shocking, I used to sing as a child with zero understanding. I never gave it any thought to it before, but I understand now. To some extent, anyway.
Growth can be painful. Understanding can be painful, too. But stubborn Kanani always tries to squeeze a square peg where a square peg should be instead of realizing that all it needs is a gentle push. And as I sat on the toilet when I got home from work yesterday, I thought, "These episodes are getting more and more painful." Why? I posit that my psyche, my body, my brain are all telling me that we're getting too old for this shit. They're telling me that we've been through this before, when are you going to learn, Kanani? When are you going to stop forgetting? (And while I think it's ever helpful and heart-warming and reassuring to receive reminders from other people, the light shines from inside, right?) They're telling me to be the flower. To rest my mind, to find peace instead of answers. To seek out joy rather than trouble. They're saying
ENOUGH. STOP FORGETTING. REMEMBER!
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