My Personal Challenge

You may or not have noticed that I haven't been posting as much crap on Facebook as I used to.  And if you had noticed, you probably didn't really care enough to wonder why or if it was intentional.  Fortunately for you, here's the answer:  it IS intentional!

I've been talking a bit with friends and family about how I don't watch much TV anymore, even for having subscriptions to Hulu+ and Netflix.  The only show I've kept up with is New Girl because that shit's just too effin' funny and it only requires my attention for less than 30 minutes a week.  But anyway, before I got rid of our DVR and hi def cable, I was totally afraid of being without.  How would I catch my shows?  The reality shows I liked, like SYTYCD, weren't found on Netflix OR Hulu+!  Neither was CSI Vegas!  Noooo!

But I learned to live without it.  It wasn't even hard.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I don't miss any of it.  I can watch New Girl over and over on Hulu+ and then whatever random crap on Netflix, and I'm okay.

So it got me thinking.  What about my computer?  Would this work for that, too?  So I posed this challenge to myself about a week ago: use the computer as little as possible.  I didn't even tell anyone about it because I wasn't sure that I could even do it, and I really didn't need the embarrassment.  Now, during the last week or so of school I had to do a crapload of emailing as my room parent duties required it of me, but that wasn't fun stuff, anyway.  But what would count as using/not using my computer?

Blogging, for one, is always allowed.  For any reason and at any time for as long as it takes to compose something.  It's a totally cathartic thing for me and highly necessary.  Library usage, too.  Requesting, renewing, and keeping track of materials is a total must since we can have over 100 items out at any given time, and those fines add up FAST.  But everything else is non-essential and could be avoided whenever possible.  It is totally convenient to open my laptop to Google crap, and I still do, but constantly checking my Facebook is SO unnecessary.  Checking Imdb for an actor's name can be put off until I don't care anymore.  And not spending money out of my checking account means that I don't have to constantly check that anymore, too.  It also helps to be a member of Mint.com and they let me know when my balance gets low.

How's it been going?  Not too badly, and it's actually pretty easy to do without.  I get bored sometimes, but having put the laptop on the side also made me realize that it wasn't really very entertaining in the first place.  I check email and Facebook and Goodreads.  That's about it.  Not very exciting.  But like giving up smoking, giving up one habit kind of inspires you to fill that time more productively.  So the idea is that instead of Facebooking or Googling a million meaningless shit all the time, I would not just read more or play more, I would dedicate more of my attention to everything else I did.  I would try to be more present in the conversations I had or immerse myself in the movies or programs I watched.

It's only been about a week into my little experiment, but I'll keep you posted on how it goes.  It's really the perfect time to do it since it's summer and I have the time and inclination to do more fun shit that doesn't involve sitting at home on my computer or spending an hour at starbucks every morning before work starts.   I hope you all have as exciting a summer as I'm hoping to have!

Play By Play

I don't usually do one of those kinds of play-by-play blogs in which I bore my audience with my daily routine, but I've just had such a totally awesome weekend, I have to share.  You can bear with me or choose not to read, this one's for me.  For posterity.

The weekend extraordinaire began on Friday when Charlie got home from work and we went out on a lunch date.  We ventured outside our usual Kapahulu domain and made the drive to downtown.  After settling on JJ Dolan's, we sat at the bar, holding hands and talking about random topics-- dancing, the kids, the menu.  And then Richard sat next to me.  Dick appeared to be a man in his late 50s, clad in aloha shirt, bearded, and already intoxicated.  Not sloppy drunk, but inebriated enough to look it, he ordered a Bud Lite that, now that I think of it, I never saw him touch.  He regaled us with his pizza knowledge-- hailing for New York, he said JJ's had the best pizza outside of his hometown.  Dick proceeded to dominate the conversation for the rest of the date, which I tolerated because he wasn't at all belligerent, but mostly seemed lonely and hungry for human connection.  It was lesson learned, however: when on a date, sit at a table!  It wasn't a total loss, though, as we walked through downtown, finished our lunch in the Kumu Kahua Theatre courtyard, and talked about the architecture around us.

That night we walked over to Sheldyn's preschool graduation.  The whole time we were there I kept thinking about when we were there last at Lucy's graduation.  How the banner now read "Class of 2012" and when Lucy made that walk the sign said "2008" and Sheldyn was just a little toddler of a girl.  It makes me happy to be able to participate in these special occasions with my nieces and nephews because it makes me feel closer to them.  It makes me thankful for my life the way it is-- living in Hawai'i and knowing it could all be so very different.

The next day we attended yet another graduation ceremony, this one for my baby sister, Liane.  I was 14 years old when she was born, and when I first moved out into my first apartment, she used to come over and play video games and eat all my snack food.  She used to call me and talk to me about episodes of Blue's Clues, and I would take her swimming at the pool.  And here she was, receiving her undergraduate degree at UH.  If you looked in yesterday's Star-Advertiser, you might have seen her picture, holding up the "Happy Birthday, Mom" sign.  Shelley and I sat with our families up in the nosebleeds in Stan Sheriff, getting all teary-eyed with the thought of our baby sister growing up.

Saturday night we went to Rumours Nightclub to celebrate mom's birthday.  The last time I remember going out all together like this, I was a parent of one child and my youngest brother wasn't even 21 yet. I got just the right amount of drunk to have fun and danced the night away with my dear husband as my partner.  Now, if any of you know me, you know that dancing with a partner is a very rare event in my life. For most of my dancing in public life I've partnered no one save maybe Kafrin, Jenn, or Shani, and we have been ridiculed by the men asking us to dance for turning down their gracious offers.  I have never been interested in dancing with anyone for a variety of reasons, chief among them are that they inevitably turn into something I'm not interested in (grind session, anyone?) or my dancing turns out to be an unpleasant surprise to my partner/my partner's style turns out to be a complete disappointment to me.  I love to dance and the last thing I want to think about is having to pretend to be into the dancing styles of my partner.  But with the chemistry that already exists between me and Charlie, because of the sense of security afforded by our relationship, we were the perfect partners for the evening.  At least I thought so.  It was beautiful and magical and we both couldn't help but notice that everyone in the club was jealous of our skills.

And despite not going to sleep until after 2:30am, Charlie was up before 7am to make my Mother's Day breakfast.  He made a huge feast of pancakes, rice, eggs, Spam, and portuguese sausage, and while I waited for it to be ready, I read (and re-read) the cards they each picked out for me.  The fact that each card I received so well represented the giver touched my heart.  I usually don't care too much for store-bought greeting cards, but I think these were the best gifts I've ever gotten (beating out the nook, even). When we were done eating, we went down to Kapiolani Park and happened to find great parking in an ideal location.  I sat around (bum knee) and enjoyed watching them run up the trees, tumble in the grass, and toss a ball or hacky sack between the three of them until we crossed the street and went swimming.  What a gorgeous day!

This whole weekend was such a battery charger for me, infusing my spirit with laughter and love.  I felt like a queen.  And after having to endure so many weeks of doing doing doing, there was finally time to reconnect with my husband.  What I hadn't realized, either, was that in addition to missing that kind of quality time with Charlie, we also hadn't spent much time with my family like we usually do.  No weekend BBQs or impromptu dinners lately despite the multitude of last minute "Hey, can you watch my kids for a few minutes" days.  (And with that in mind, my glorious weekend actually began on Thursday night when dad, Jonah, and Shelley came over for dinner and we talked and ate together and Charlie and I sang together over the piano.)  With summer right around the corner, I'm excited to see what's coming up :D

You Can't Force Someone to...

1.  Accept a gift you're offering.

2.  Love you.

3.  Give up bad habits and adopt healthy ones.

4.  Provide comfort.

5.  See things the way you do.

6.  Value the same things you value.

7.  Recognize you're right (especially when you are).

8.  Show compassion.

9.  Apologize.

10.  Appreciate you.

How to Relate

I just randomly opened up Deepak Chopra's "The Book of Secrets" to this page, and thought it was beautiful.  It spoke directly to my heart and what I've gone through lately, and precisely addressed my own fears about my pain.  He has identified the very fears I have when I think about telling people around me about how I feel or what I'm experiencing.  It also helps me to see with clarity what I can do for others.

How to Relate When Someone Else Is in Pain

I have sympathy for you.  I know what you're going through.

You don't have to feel a certain way just to make me happy.

I will help you get through this. 

You don't have to be afraid that you are driving me away.

I don't expect you to be perfect.  You aren't letting me down.

This pain you're going through isn't the real you.

You can have the space you need, but I won't let you be alone.

I will be as real with you as I can be.

I won't be afraid of you, even though you may be afraid of your pain.

I will do all I can to show you that life is still good and joy still possible.

I can't take your pain on as my responsibility.

I won't let you hold on to your pain -- we are here to get through this.

I will take your healing as seriously as my own well-being.

Peace and Joy

A running theme in Stephen King's book 11/22/63 is that the past harmonizes.  You'll have to read it if you want to know what that means exactly because I won't go into it here.  My point is simply that life harmonizes and I've seen the truth of it recently while doing my own soul-searching.

Jonah came over late Sunday afternoon.  The sun was already setting, it was getting chilly, and Shelley and her kids were loading themselves into their car to head home.  Later when it was just me and Jonah, we started to talk about trials, surprised that while our current issues were exact opposites, we were basically facing the same beast.  He spoke of that day's church service and how it was about exactly what we were discussing.  They read from the book of James and talked about facing your trials with joy in your heart.  Intrigued, I pressed for more information.  How is this possible?  How can we do this?  

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  While we were outside, standing around Shelley's car, we started singing old Sunday School songs.  For my younger siblings, these songs are hard to listen to (let alone sing) because they bring back painful memories of a difficult time in our lives.  But they do the opposite for me.  They remind me of a difficult and painful time, certainly, but I was older than they and I was already looking for a way to cope.  I sought and found solace in the Bible, in prayer, and in the fellowship  found at church.  Because my life was in flux at that time, the only constant was church.

So, I'm thinking of these songs on my way home from work yesterday, thinking of the conversation I had with Jonah about finding joy, and I started singing.  "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...." There's a verse in that song that says, "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart," which, not shocking, I used to sing as a child with zero understanding.  I never gave it any thought to it before, but I understand now.  To some extent, anyway.  

Growth can be painful.  Understanding can be painful, too.  But stubborn Kanani always tries to squeeze a square peg where a square peg should be instead of realizing that all it needs is a gentle push.  And as I sat on the toilet when I got home from work yesterday, I thought, "These episodes are getting more and more painful."  Why?  I posit that my psyche, my body, my brain are all telling me that we're getting too old for this shit.  They're telling me that we've been through this before, when are you going to learn, Kanani?  When are you going to stop forgetting?  (And while I think it's ever helpful and heart-warming and reassuring to receive reminders from other people, the light shines from inside, right?)  They're telling me to be the flower.  To rest my mind, to find peace instead of answers.  To seek out joy rather than trouble.  They're saying

ENOUGH.  STOP FORGETTING.  REMEMBER!