Weight Gained

My body and I have had a very long if unfair battle with each other, and I've always suspected that it knew more than I.  For most of this battle, I wrestled with my body to become something it wasn't at that time, which was usually thinner.  I can think of at least 5 reasons off the top of my head why I haven't been entirely comfortable and therefore quite unhappy with my body, and many of them are bullshit.  Mind games, self-esteem issues, peer pressure, mainstream media-- all have had a hand in my messed up idea of what I look like, what I should look like, and what I should want to look like.  Even when I can also identify my fairer attributes, it seems small and petty.

It's only been in recent years that I've decided that it's not enough to lose weight to fit some social ideal, I needed a reason.  I had to start liking myself one way or another, and it occurred to me that perhaps I might still not be satisfied if and when I lost all the unwanted weight.  It isn't the weight, is what I'm saying, it's me.

I am my worst critic, it's true.  My own worst thoughts needed only a few harsh words peppered over the years from people around me and a teenage obsession with Vogue magazine to really blossom into the truly horrid image I have of my body.  Even as I shun what TV and magazines try to tell me I should strive to be, I measure myself by those same outrageous standards.  For example, I love my husband for all the atypical things he is, and especially because I have a penchant for tall, skinny, white guys who like to read.  I never think he's less than perfect because he doesn't fit the stereotypical male archetype, and yet I feel I should fit the female archetype to be pleasing to look at or be with.

Even though I know it's bullshit, I still strive to fulfill it.  How fucked up is that?

And as I wage war with caloric intake, I believe I should love myself, overweight body and all.  I recognize that I should not ascribe more meaning to my weight than necessary-- that my self image should not be so heavily linked to what I look like or how fat I think I am.  I am not worth more skinny than fat!  But it's not even the issue and I have to start all over again.

When I was showering tonight, I started thinking about when I started to really put on the pounds.  Since Charlie's moved to Hawaii, I've packed on a ridiculous amount of weight, but it's not his fault and I've been as happy with him as I've ever been in my life.  It then occurred to me that maybe I was looking at the weight gain from the wrong perspective (which wouldn't be the first time).  I've gained weight, yes, but what else have I gained and what does it mean that I've put on pounds?  The physical weight that I've gained is indicative of and also reflects the joy I've gained.  The experiences I've gained.  The memories and meals shared with those I love and who love me.

It's also inconsequential!

I hate that I care what people think.  I hate that it matters to me that if I'm fat, people will think I'm lazy or too poor or too wealthy or too stupid to know when to stop eating.  Because in that moment, it doesn't matter to me, but later on when I'm trying on swimsuits for the upcoming warm season, it does.  I feel all those accusations staring back at me as I criticize myself in the stark department store mirrors (which aren't entirely honest in the first place), glumly noting every imperfection made even more noticeable by the ill-fitting bathing suit.  To me, being fat not only means I'm fat, it means I'm ugly, too.

But it might matter, as I endeavor to be at peace with myself, to remember the other weight that I've gained.  The experience, the laughter, the memories, and the joy.  I long to be healthier as I long to be happier and more content, but that's what I want my journey to be about.  I suspect that if I can separate my desire to be healthy (less heavy, say) from the weight of my own self-worth, I can find happiness within myself.  I can finally and truly believe that the outward beauty of my body has very little to do with the value of my character and the worthiness of my soul.