"You mean you've been Lesley all day?" he asked.
And I couldn't stop thinking about that.
I've been in the middle lately, emotionally and mentally. Not furiously angry nor lugubriously sad nor exuberantly happy. More like mildly displeased, out of sorts, and maybe on the verge of being those extreme ends of the spectrum, but never quite teetering over.
I am sometimes feel sad. I sometimes feel lonely. I have frequently been pleased. I sometimes feel disappointed and frustrated and tired and giddy. Sometimes I have been witty, maybe even thoughtless with my words.
I don't always want to smile or laugh. I don't always want to make the joke.
Sometimes, I just want to be.
Be.
BE.
I just want to BE LIKE THIS, as I am right now in this eternal/ephemeral moment. My stomach hanging out, protein shake on my lips, smudges on my glasses. I want to sit in silence, let it stretch out, let someone else fill in the empty spaces. I WANT TO BE grumpy and tired and hungry and let that not change the temperature of the room.
But I've been Lesley all day. I've been Lesley for nearly 40 hours this week, and I was Lesley for nearly 40 hours of every week for the last 3 months. Lesley is professional. She is pleasant and helpful and patient. She has lost count of how many times she's said "thank you" today. Lesley speaks standard English and laughs politely. She smiles with her mouth and holds back angry retorts and frequently resists hurling her pen with great force across the room. She could win Miss Congeniality.
Would you get a glimpse of Kanani through the day? Of course! You'll hear her laugh or talk just a little too loud. You might even hear her curse. But she is not the dominant character on any given weekday. Lesley is.
Am I Lesley? Is she me? Absolutely! She is definitely part of me. I behave in a professional way not because it's fake-- I CARE. I care about the people I help, it matters to me that I am in a position to ease other people's suffering. Lesley is not FAKE.
But what does it mean to be her all day?
I can't really say at the moment. All I know is that there's a cost and I've been paying it. The current model is unsustainable. And as I write this, I feel sad, but not miserable. I'm trying not to assign a story to this feeling-- I'm just sad. It happens, right? People feel sad from time to time. People aren't happy all the time.
This sadness is trying to tell me something. My body is trying to tell me something. I know my nervous system is dysregulated and it's completely within my power to do something about it.
But for now, I just need to feel it. Listen to it. Which sounds hopeful (naive?) to me, but I don't think it is. My goal at the moment isn't to fix anything. Rather, it's to learn to give myself permission to BE LIKE THIS, whatever it is, whenever it happens to be.
