I have been going to therapy for over five years. Faithfully. Weekly. For over five years. Youʻd think Iʻd be “better” already, wouldnʻt you. Ha!
The big lesson Iʻve learned is that sometimes a shit ton of healing needs to happen.
Over the last few days, Iʻve been feeling super insecure. Iʻve been feeling ugly (thatʻs a huge one), inadequate (another biggie), and unworthy of love (fuuuuuuck me). I am scared that these failings of mine will repel love, ruin friendships, and leave me woefully alone. I am afraid that my soft heart and big emotions are repulsive. I worry that I am a burden, that Iʻm creating a huge mess, that Iʻm taxing your resources because Iʻm feeling insecure and require some extra TLC.
I donʻt know that Iʻm wrong, and I donʻt know how to think different thoughts about myself. I feel ugly and, lacking any proof, I donʻt know how to be like, “No, Iʻm not.” But I can remind myself that this is really old and deeply entrenched pain. These are beliefs that Iʻve held for literally as long as I can remember. This is pain that Iʻve felt for equally as long. Of course I don’t know how to think different thoughts about myself! Iʻm totally inexperienced!
“Iʻm ugly” is part of the story I tell myself about my inadequacy, about why I donʻt matter, why Iʻm unlovable. I donʻt actually know if Iʻm ugly or not. I might be hideous. I might be a fucking troll. Honestly, I donʻt know what ugly is, and I donʻt know that any of it matters. But for a long time, those thoughts explained everything: If I could be pretty and thin and tidy, perhaps I could be loved.
I donʻt know if Iʻm ugly, but Iʻve realized that my objective isnʻt to change my mind about my appearance because itʻs not about that. Itʻs about making space for this pain. To feel it and claim it and to look at it without judgement. Itʻs about making space for me. Claiming space for myself.
And so I begin with a question: What will happen if I talk about it? Will you reject me? Judge me? Think less of me? Will I be too much? Will my insecurities repel you?
Say all of my fears come true. Just say it does. What would that mean for me? Could I handle your rejection, your judgement? Or would it do me in? Is your acceptance and your comfort worth making myself small and hiding my sensitive self, pretending to be someone Iʻm not? To protect a relationship in which I need to be someone else in order to be loved and cherished? Do I want to be in relationships with people for whom my sensitive heart is a burden?
On top of that, do I even believe the stories Iʻm telling myself? Do I believe that vulnerability is unattractive? Do I believe that being a sensitive person is unattractive? Does this resonate with me? If my kids came to me saying they were feeling insecure, would I shame them? Would they repulse me? Would I reject them? Or would I pull them closer? Would I want to hear more? Would their feelings irritate me or inspire compassion and love? Would I think it a personal failing on their part if they believed they were ugly or unlovable or inadequate?
I would never. I have never and would never reject them or judge them for their insecurities and self-doubt. I would embrace them, listen, support, encourage, and love. And I do not want to be partnered with someone who treated my feelings as a tedious, inconvenient chore. I do not want to make myself smaller to be loved. And guess what? I would survive the loss if it came to that.
So why am I doing this to myself? If I donʻt buy into the bullshit anyway and donʻt want the company of people who do, why do I listen to these old, fucked up narratives?
This is old pain that requires a lot of healing. Not being “better” yet isnʻt a personal failing, it isnʻt a character flaw, it doesnʻt make me weak or undisciplined or too needy. Itʻs just a deep wound that needs lots of care, and I can do that for myself.
