That love letter to self? Boy, did I bomb.
Hereʻs what I know:
1. Iʻm a decent writer. 2. Iʻve written tons of love letters in my lifetime. 3. Iʻve already thought good things about myself. 4. Iʻve even started to love and accept myself. 5. This will be tough, but shouldnʻt be too bad.
Ugh.
The letter started strong. Youʻve seen it here. "you are a treasure." Yes, I am.
And then it kind of falls apart.
Itʻs like when you write for NaNoWriMo and youʻre not only trying to make todayʻs word count, youʻre also trying to make up for the collection of days you fell short and you know lots of words but not real sure how theyʻre fitting together but you donʻt care because, hello, word count!
My love letter is just a collection of words I know that arenʻt conveying any meaning. At least, Iʻm not connecting with the words.
This surprised me because refer to numbers 1-5 up there. Even though you also know that Iʻve been avoiding this exercise, I didnʻt expect this much push back.
Then Mahana, of course, asked me, "How many love letters have you written to yourself?"
I both love and hate when she asks me these obvious questions. Yeah, okay, fine! Never. Iʻve never written a love letter to myself. Happy now?
"I think Iʻm with your friend, Kanani. Maybe pull back a bit," she suggested when I told her about Merfʻs half-joke(?) that I instead begin with those grade-school notes: "I like you. Do you like me, too? Mark here for yes or here for no."
Mahana asked, "What would you say to yourself if you wrote just a letter (notice no "love" in the front)?" That was too easy.
Iʻd tell myself to be patient with and kind to myself. Iʻd say youʻre making progress. Iʻd say baby steps matter. Iʻd remind myself that you donʻt have to be perfect at something to do it. Iʻd say that if someone else had written that love letter to you, youʻd be so stoked, not disappointed.
Why am I never good enough for me?
Anyway, guess what my homework is this week? Yep. Write a letter to myself. Start wherever I can. Discover where Iʻm able to connect to myself and thatʻs my starting point. See what happens.
As a side note, therapy can be super rewarding and uplifting, but itʻs often the result of a lot of hard fucking work. It can be relentless. I feel like Iʻve been fighting and trying and failing and crying and feeling super fucking uncomfortable for way longer than I thought I could handle. And so I cry, I fail, I fight, I try, and then I cry some more. But I keep working and I keep doing the things because I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve happiness.
At the end of Wednesdayʻs session, Mahana reminded me that I get to decide what contributes to my happiness. I donʻt know why I need her to tell me that shit over and over again, but I guess until it sticks, until that becomes my new normal, thatʻs what sheʻll continue to do.
PS: If any of you would like to do my homework for me, I wouldnʻt be mad. Youʻd be modeling for me! Super useful teaching tool.
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| Itʻs so shame to share this with you, but this is me modeling how you donʻt have to be great at something to do it |
