I donʻt think Iʻm going to make my 10,000 steps today, but I think Iʻm going to live.
At 9 PM, it looks like Iʻll be 2,000 steps shy of my daily goal. I was in a similar situation yesterday, and I chose to close out the day at the gym. It had been a long day. I worked both jobs then rushed to two different meetings at Lucyʻs school, one right after the other. Finally had dinner at home just after 8 PM, headed for a walk on the treadmill at around 9, and made it home at 10, in time to shower and hit the sack by 11.
But that was yesterday, and thatʻs not the only goal I have for the week.
Itʻs entirely possible to have the kind of busy day that doesnʻt allow you to be home with your family for 12 hours and check all the To Dos off your list. I almost did it yesterday. But itʻs unsustainable if youʻre also interested in maintaining healthy relationships with your spouse and children and if you want to make time for other endeavors, like creating art.
So whatʻs my takeaway? Meeting a goal is not the only measure of success. If I choose not to make my step count so that I can meet my bedtime, am I a failure? Do I push myself and make myself crazy-- in essence, sacrificing my mental health-- just so that I can wallow in the success of completing all my fitness goals? I donʻt think so.
Iʻm beginning to learn that goals inform action. They motivate and inspire. I want to take at least 10,000 steps in a day, and I know that ticking off boxes in my bullet journal feels good. If I feel lazy or hot, I still choose to maybe make an extra circuit around the room just to put in a few extra steps. When my activity tracker prompts me to get up and move, I want to obey!
And yet I must ask myself: Did I do better today? Did I make different, better choices? The answer to both those questions for today, anyway, is YES. I moved when I normally wouldnʻt have, and I made an effort when I really didnʻt want to. So while completing all my daily tasks feels doubly good (1x for good for health and 2x for ticking that To Do box), Iʻm training myself to be gentle about self-criticism, to be smart about how to achieve my goals, and to recognize the importance of the journey. The point of these goals, after all, isnʻt to make a certain step or squat count, itʻs about getting more active and building better, healthier habits.
Today, then, is a success.
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
Monday, November 4, 2019
You Canʻt Pour From an Empty Cup (But You Can Bullet Journal Until You Get a Refill)
It is the third day of the eleventh month of the year 2019, and in five days I will be celebrating the one year anniversary of the bullet journal.
Monthly Spread
It just so happens that with the new month, I have to start a new journal. My third journal of the year. As artifacts of my journey, theyʻre pretty nondescript, but this new oneʻs a little sassier than the last two.
Iʻm celebrating the occasion by sassy-fying the entire thing with a facelift and a few new additions.
The thing with bullet journals is that you can pull out or zoom in, depending on what your focus is and your goals are. A yearly spread might be useful if youʻre looking more long-term-- like planning a wedding or completing a manuscript. Iʻm not doing either of those things, so a monthly view is better suited to my needs. At a glance, I know what shows are coming up at the Theatre, whoʻs having a birthday, and when I can sleep in because school is out.
It also helps me to assess my goals on a mid-range level. This is especially helpful because I canʻt always tell if the goals I set are realistic or relevant. Setting goal and tracking it monthly gives me enough time to see if itʻs doable and worthwhile. Monthly goals also help bring an overall theme or unity to my weekly and daily goals-- do my plans connect me to my purpose?
Weekly Spread
Also a new feature, the weekly spread narrows the scope of vision even further, breaking down my monthly goals into smaller, manageable tasks. Youʻll notice I added color and form to the template, which I hope I can keep up. Being more creative through my daily journaling is just as important as the tasks and goals I set for myself. Itʻs a bonus!
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| I accidentally wrote the wrong dates this week. Strangely, I live. |
Daily View
This oneʻs not so new, but it did get a facelift. There were __ that I wasnʻt using on a regular basis (like the Affirmations section), and the beautiful thing about bullet journaling is that you can change the format anytime you want. Have I stressed that enough?
| Mistakes are opportunities |
So, I got rid of the Affirmations section and turned it into a place I can celebrate my Accomplishments (which could be as small as paying a bill on time or as significant as winning the Nobel Prize for literature). Iʻve also retitled certain sections (like "My Purpose" and "Self-Love") to reflect a change in perspective. Itʻs still mostly about setting my intention and being kind to myself, but for me the word choice also represents growth and strength. Itʻs the word nerd in me, perhaps, that such a small change can make such a significant difference.
Self-Love
Bullet journaling has been an act of self-love and self-care. You know how you can know something in your brain and yet know nothing of it in practice? That was me and self-care. I made lists, you know, of ways I could take care of my mental and physical health. "Meditate for ten minutes. See a movie by myself. Get a massage." I just never felt connected to the concept. I could do those things and still not feel any less stressed or any more important.
Journaling everyday, though, is good practice in looking after my needs. It is a deliberate habit that I created to manage my mental health. I create, process, think, and research. I figure out what I want, what I need, and how to get there. It forces me to carve out time for myself and set a boundary around this one thing that even I am forced to respect.
(Now, a big part of bullet journaling is Tracking. You can look this up. Folks track everything! Water consumption, hours slept, pages read, Instagrams posted, the list goes on and on. And people get really creative about how they track their progress. Iʻm not a tracker. Not yet, at least.)
Self-love is a skill that I never learned to appreciate or develop, and Iʻm still not sure I could even describe what it is to you. People say that everyday, "Make time for yourself or youʻll feel depleted," as if itʻs as easy as going to see a matinee movie on a hookey day off of work and feeling recharged afterwards. A healthy, deliberate new habit of regular check-ins, introspection, motivation, and forgiveness? I just might learn yet.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Pain Shouldnʻt be a Punishment (for Being Poor)
It was fricken hot today, wasnʻt it? Iʻm sweating in my jeans and tank top on my way to the bus stop, and itʻs only eight in the morning. Iʻm wearing my new New Balance shoes with the expensive insoles because Iʻve decided to wear them every day this week to see how they work. So Iʻm paying attention to my feet and how they feel in the pavement, and Iʻm paying attention to how the insoles feel on my arches-- are they too much? Iʻm paying attention to my knees to see if theyʻre turning in and my back to see if anything aches.
And then it occurs to me just how privileged I am.
Not blessed, not lucky. Privileged.
1. I have great health insurance that allows me to receive quality health care. Youʻve seen me write this over and over, how lucky I feel to have health insurance! I went to see my primary care physician who referred me to a podiatrist who, after seeing my X-rays and examining my feet, recommended I start investing in quality footwear and insoles.
2. I can afford to buy orthotic slippers. These are my everyday wear. If you see me wearing them at work, itʻs because theyʻre the most supportive and comfortable things for my feet. The podiatrist says that a good supportive shoe/slipper will feel uncomfortable at first because itʻs changing the alignment of my body-- changing its center of gravity. Until earlier this week, these slippers I have were the only orthotic thing I owned.
2a. I can afford Amazon Prime. The slippers were nowhere to be found at any local retailer, and they were cheaper on Amazon than on the brandʻs website. And having Prime, shipping was free. Returning them would have been free, too, if Iʻd discovered upon delivery that the slippers werenʻt a good fit.
3. I can afford supportive athletic shoes. These babies are not cheap. At all. Neither are they the most expensive, but itʻs priced so far out of my comfort zone that I had waited months since seeing the doctor-- months that the status of my feet worsened-- before spending the money.
4. I can afford the time it took to purchase the shoes. I was at the store for hours. Literally, hours. I tried on several pairs and even thought Iʻd found the right one when Noah brought out another pair and I realized THOSE were the shoes for me. I didnʻt have to rush off, I didnʻt have distractions. In fact, I didnʻt even have to share my sales person with anyone but once for a total of two minutes.
5. I can afford the insoles, which cost almost half of what the price of the shoes themselves. Crazy! Madness! But I knew I needed them, could tell immediately that I needed the arch support or my feet were going to scream at me every day I found myself on the treadmill. And then what would have been the point of buying the new shoes?
When it occurred to me how privileged I was to be wearing these shoes on my feet, to walk in such comfort, I thought about all of those people who were experiencing pain like me but couldnʻt do much about it.
You can buy slippers at Old Navy for as little as a dollar if you catch the right sale. You can buy cheap insoles anywhere. You can find cheap shoes at many discount stores. You might not even know if something was really wrong with your feet or your knees or your back because you couldnʻt afford to visit the doctor. And this describes so many people-- including me just a few years ago!
Hereʻs another thing: I donʻt take care of my feet. I know I should soak my feet and moisturize them regularly. It probably wouldnʻt hurt to get a foot massage every now and then, either. My feet are dry and rough from going barefoot and wearing slippers so much, and the places that are roughest are also sensitive.
My new shoes are good. I can tell the difference in my knees and back. These shoes give me the support I need so that my feet arenʻt throbbing after the gym (or after work, for that matter). I may actually go back to the podiatrist to purchase the orthotic insoles instead, and thatʻs some bucks, too. I also want to buy an orthotic pair of casual shoes, which are more my every day style than athletic sneakers. Those casual shoes are expensive. For that matter, anything orthotic has turned out to cost a pretty penny, so you gotta have money to give your feet a rest! To alleviate the knee and lower back pain.
I wish money wasnʻt a prerequisite for good health. I see so many people on the bus whose feet look like they must ache all day and night. They look like theyʻre going to burst out of their skin, wearing Locals slippers from Longs, and theyʻre struggling to get on and off the bus. And the thing is, having quality health care and health insurance now doesnʻt mean Iʻll have it 5, 20, 37 years from now. I could easily be one of those people. What happens when my situation changes and I canʻt meet the demands of my health and age?
And then it occurs to me just how privileged I am.
Not blessed, not lucky. Privileged.
1. I have great health insurance that allows me to receive quality health care. Youʻve seen me write this over and over, how lucky I feel to have health insurance! I went to see my primary care physician who referred me to a podiatrist who, after seeing my X-rays and examining my feet, recommended I start investing in quality footwear and insoles.
2. I can afford to buy orthotic slippers. These are my everyday wear. If you see me wearing them at work, itʻs because theyʻre the most supportive and comfortable things for my feet. The podiatrist says that a good supportive shoe/slipper will feel uncomfortable at first because itʻs changing the alignment of my body-- changing its center of gravity. Until earlier this week, these slippers I have were the only orthotic thing I owned.
2a. I can afford Amazon Prime. The slippers were nowhere to be found at any local retailer, and they were cheaper on Amazon than on the brandʻs website. And having Prime, shipping was free. Returning them would have been free, too, if Iʻd discovered upon delivery that the slippers werenʻt a good fit.
3. I can afford supportive athletic shoes. These babies are not cheap. At all. Neither are they the most expensive, but itʻs priced so far out of my comfort zone that I had waited months since seeing the doctor-- months that the status of my feet worsened-- before spending the money.
4. I can afford the time it took to purchase the shoes. I was at the store for hours. Literally, hours. I tried on several pairs and even thought Iʻd found the right one when Noah brought out another pair and I realized THOSE were the shoes for me. I didnʻt have to rush off, I didnʻt have distractions. In fact, I didnʻt even have to share my sales person with anyone but once for a total of two minutes.
5. I can afford the insoles, which cost almost half of what the price of the shoes themselves. Crazy! Madness! But I knew I needed them, could tell immediately that I needed the arch support or my feet were going to scream at me every day I found myself on the treadmill. And then what would have been the point of buying the new shoes?
When it occurred to me how privileged I was to be wearing these shoes on my feet, to walk in such comfort, I thought about all of those people who were experiencing pain like me but couldnʻt do much about it.
You can buy slippers at Old Navy for as little as a dollar if you catch the right sale. You can buy cheap insoles anywhere. You can find cheap shoes at many discount stores. You might not even know if something was really wrong with your feet or your knees or your back because you couldnʻt afford to visit the doctor. And this describes so many people-- including me just a few years ago!
Hereʻs another thing: I donʻt take care of my feet. I know I should soak my feet and moisturize them regularly. It probably wouldnʻt hurt to get a foot massage every now and then, either. My feet are dry and rough from going barefoot and wearing slippers so much, and the places that are roughest are also sensitive.
My new shoes are good. I can tell the difference in my knees and back. These shoes give me the support I need so that my feet arenʻt throbbing after the gym (or after work, for that matter). I may actually go back to the podiatrist to purchase the orthotic insoles instead, and thatʻs some bucks, too. I also want to buy an orthotic pair of casual shoes, which are more my every day style than athletic sneakers. Those casual shoes are expensive. For that matter, anything orthotic has turned out to cost a pretty penny, so you gotta have money to give your feet a rest! To alleviate the knee and lower back pain.
I wish money wasnʻt a prerequisite for good health. I see so many people on the bus whose feet look like they must ache all day and night. They look like theyʻre going to burst out of their skin, wearing Locals slippers from Longs, and theyʻre struggling to get on and off the bus. And the thing is, having quality health care and health insurance now doesnʻt mean Iʻll have it 5, 20, 37 years from now. I could easily be one of those people. What happens when my situation changes and I canʻt meet the demands of my health and age?
Friday, October 11, 2019
Three Reasons to Give Bullet Journaling a Go
Hereʻs one argument for why all of you, my dearest readers, should take up a bullet journal (or bujo).
CARVE OUT PERSONAL SPACE
I never thought it was all that important, this personal space. I grew up in a three bedroom townhouse that I shared with my parents and four siblings, so we were pretty much piled on top of each other most of the time. Iʻm used to that. Iʻm used to noise and chaos and sharing the TV and doing homework on the couch instead of at a desk.
Sharing spaces is familiar to me.
And yet sitting at my desk, which is only my desk, is comforting. Itʻs like returning home after a long trip or taking a shower after a sweaty, arduous hike. Itʻs like this scene from one of my favorite movies, Centerstage (with a very young Zoe Saldana):
My desk is one of my sacred spaces. Here, I create, I work, I relax, I read, I drift off to sleep with my neck at an uncomfortable angle. I need the space to store my pens and stickers and Post Its so that I can set about the fun and comforting business of building my templates each day and thoughtfully planning what I need and want to do. This may take only a handful of minutes or it might take an hour, but the bujo forces me to
CARVE OUT PERSONAL TIME
on a regular basis. Every weekday I begin my day with my journal, and every day ends the same way. Itʻs Me Time in which I check in with myself. Having a designated space for Work or Writing or Creating or Journaling forces me to switch my brain to the task at hand. So if Iʻm at my desk, Iʻm there to write or pay some bills or doodle, and itʻs time to separate myself from the daily chores, even if only for fifteen minutes. One of the most important functions of my bujo, though is to
ROOT MYSELF IN MY INTENT
My journal isnʻt (merely) a list of errands and reminders. This journal is a way for me to guide myself toward my own happiness. I know that sounds so New Agey. But when I write my To Dos and my Daily and Weekly Goals, itʻs done deliberately with consideration and resolve. Sometimes the To Do list is unreasonably but necessarily long, and having it written down ahead of time, I feel more prepared and less stressed. These errands and goals are no longer simple tasks-- I see them as steps I need to take to get to where I want to be.
When I wake up on a day Iʻm not working at either job (which is rare, and therefore too exciting), Iʻm so worried Iʻll squander the day fighting between two separate impulses: to catch up on the household chores or to drool in front of a binge session of The Great British Bake Off. My bujo affords me the opportunity to make time for both-- sometimes even on the same day! Youʻd think the scheduling and lists would make for a dull, rigid life, but it isnʻt. Bullet journaling actually liberates me. Thereʻs less indecision, less internal struggles, greater presence when Iʻm doing the things Iʻm doing.
BONUS REASON
Bullet journaling takes practice in both its creation and execution. You figure out what kind of book (hardcover? softcover?) and the template (what kind of prompts will help you meet your daily, short-term, and long-term goals?), and that changes depending on your goals. But you also practice doing the actual work of honing your intent and actually working toward those goals. For me, itʻs learning to find what makes me happy and then doing what makes me happy. Itʻs shedding so much of the "supposed tos" and replacing it with "want tos" without all the guilt I might usually summon.
But the really beautiful thing about bullet journaling is that itʻs forgiving. You decide what it looks like. There is no judgment (unless you check out how other people do such creative things with their bujos and you mourn your lack of creative execution, so advice: donʻt do that). If your last entry was a chilly Sunday in December and the next page is a hot and sweaty July Friday, you couldnʻt tell because you donʻt have those skipped, empty pages of the typical planner. No empty pages glaring at you.
Iʻve been sounding like a broken record about two things lately: eating the damn frog (ask Meredith), and bullet journaling. In my unsolicited opinion, you should probably do both.
CARVE OUT PERSONAL SPACE
I never thought it was all that important, this personal space. I grew up in a three bedroom townhouse that I shared with my parents and four siblings, so we were pretty much piled on top of each other most of the time. Iʻm used to that. Iʻm used to noise and chaos and sharing the TV and doing homework on the couch instead of at a desk.
Sharing spaces is familiar to me.
And yet sitting at my desk, which is only my desk, is comforting. Itʻs like returning home after a long trip or taking a shower after a sweaty, arduous hike. Itʻs like this scene from one of my favorite movies, Centerstage (with a very young Zoe Saldana):
My desk is one of my sacred spaces. Here, I create, I work, I relax, I read, I drift off to sleep with my neck at an uncomfortable angle. I need the space to store my pens and stickers and Post Its so that I can set about the fun and comforting business of building my templates each day and thoughtfully planning what I need and want to do. This may take only a handful of minutes or it might take an hour, but the bujo forces me to
CARVE OUT PERSONAL TIME
on a regular basis. Every weekday I begin my day with my journal, and every day ends the same way. Itʻs Me Time in which I check in with myself. Having a designated space for Work or Writing or Creating or Journaling forces me to switch my brain to the task at hand. So if Iʻm at my desk, Iʻm there to write or pay some bills or doodle, and itʻs time to separate myself from the daily chores, even if only for fifteen minutes. One of the most important functions of my bujo, though is to
ROOT MYSELF IN MY INTENT
My journal isnʻt (merely) a list of errands and reminders. This journal is a way for me to guide myself toward my own happiness. I know that sounds so New Agey. But when I write my To Dos and my Daily and Weekly Goals, itʻs done deliberately with consideration and resolve. Sometimes the To Do list is unreasonably but necessarily long, and having it written down ahead of time, I feel more prepared and less stressed. These errands and goals are no longer simple tasks-- I see them as steps I need to take to get to where I want to be.
When I wake up on a day Iʻm not working at either job (which is rare, and therefore too exciting), Iʻm so worried Iʻll squander the day fighting between two separate impulses: to catch up on the household chores or to drool in front of a binge session of The Great British Bake Off. My bujo affords me the opportunity to make time for both-- sometimes even on the same day! Youʻd think the scheduling and lists would make for a dull, rigid life, but it isnʻt. Bullet journaling actually liberates me. Thereʻs less indecision, less internal struggles, greater presence when Iʻm doing the things Iʻm doing.
BONUS REASON
Bullet journaling takes practice in both its creation and execution. You figure out what kind of book (hardcover? softcover?) and the template (what kind of prompts will help you meet your daily, short-term, and long-term goals?), and that changes depending on your goals. But you also practice doing the actual work of honing your intent and actually working toward those goals. For me, itʻs learning to find what makes me happy and then doing what makes me happy. Itʻs shedding so much of the "supposed tos" and replacing it with "want tos" without all the guilt I might usually summon.
But the really beautiful thing about bullet journaling is that itʻs forgiving. You decide what it looks like. There is no judgment (unless you check out how other people do such creative things with their bujos and you mourn your lack of creative execution, so advice: donʻt do that). If your last entry was a chilly Sunday in December and the next page is a hot and sweaty July Friday, you couldnʻt tell because you donʻt have those skipped, empty pages of the typical planner. No empty pages glaring at you.
Iʻve been sounding like a broken record about two things lately: eating the damn frog (ask Meredith), and bullet journaling. In my unsolicited opinion, you should probably do both.
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Iʻm Not Crazy (I Just Like What I Like) . . . With Illustrations
I have pens all over the house. You can ask Shani, and maybe sheʻll remember, that for much of my life, Iʻve been on the constant prowl for the perfect reading chair and for the perfect pen.
Let me explain (although itʻs actually quite simple).
The perfect reading chair. Well, duh. One ought to read in comfort. To me this means that I can enjoy different positions-- whether it be seated upright, slouched, cross-legged, legs over the arm rests, or semi-prone-- without having to get up. Obviously, it must be conducive to naps because letʻs face it: sometimes "Iʻm going to read" is synonymous with *snore*. This chair shouldnʻt be too smushy or too rigid, may or may not recline, and should function without extra accessories such as pillows.
I donʻt ask for much.
Now, I canʻt go around buying up random chairs-- I canʻt fill my house with every chair that I see in a store that may fit the bill. I just canʻt. No room. But I can buy just about any and every pen I lay eyes on at Fisher. And if you thought my demands of furniture seem unreasonable (or at least unattainable), get ready for this ridiculousness.
Throughout the course of my life, Iʻve written. Iʻve written a lot, mostly epistolary. And before you get too impressed, weʻre not talking Jane Austen. More like Diary of a Wimpy Kid with fewer illustrations. As a child, I had only pencils, so my journals were all written in bold but fading grey scratches. It wasnʻt until freshman year of high school that I credit my BFF, Shani, with bringing me into The Adulthood of Writing Implements. She had a brown leather backpack with what seemed like endless pockets of pens. I didnʻt know pens could so interesting!
Iʻve always liked bold markings, so in the early years I really had to have roller ball pens. My preferred pen was this:
It glided across the paper and left behind bold lines, which made it easy to write quickly and permanently. The body of the pen made it easy to see how much ink you had left so you had a good idea of when to go back to Longs and get a replacement.
Later, I was infatuated with these:
They, too, left behind bold strokes and they also glided over the page, but they were also retractable! Amazing! And their points could be had in different thickness! How could you lose?
But finally, my tastes have simplified:
Pilot Easytouch fine-tipped retractable pens in blue or black, though I tend to gravitate toward the blue more often than not. These are perfect for my bullet journaling and for the daily crossword puzzles. They may not slide as gracefully as a roller ball, but they make crisp lines that donʻt bleed into one another. Theyʻre incredibly affordable (they were on sale for $0.69 a piece for Back to School), so I bought a truckload and theyʻre all over the house. On my nightstand, next to the couch, on my desk, on my dresser. Thereʻs one in my wallet, at least two in each backpack, one in each purse, and a few in my pencil pouch. I even have a few at school, and everyone at the Theatre knows which is the good pen (as evidenced by one of my coworkers labelling an individual pen with her station number to ensure it never walked away! And yes, in an office filled with a million pens, thereʻs only one of these at each station!). Thatʻs not even counting the pens I have in reserve.
Because you can never know when youʻll be inspired to write a haiku or jot down an errand you must remember do by the end of the day. You never know when someone will say, "Kanani, try look at todayʻs crossword. Whatʻs 5 down?" You never know when your child will need that field trip form signed two minutes before you leave for work.
You can rest assured, world, that I am ready for your crosswords, To Do lists, and field trip forms. Iʻm ready.
Let me explain (although itʻs actually quite simple).
The perfect reading chair. Well, duh. One ought to read in comfort. To me this means that I can enjoy different positions-- whether it be seated upright, slouched, cross-legged, legs over the arm rests, or semi-prone-- without having to get up. Obviously, it must be conducive to naps because letʻs face it: sometimes "Iʻm going to read" is synonymous with *snore*. This chair shouldnʻt be too smushy or too rigid, may or may not recline, and should function without extra accessories such as pillows.
![]() |
| This one comes pretty close, but minus all those damn pillows |
Now, I canʻt go around buying up random chairs-- I canʻt fill my house with every chair that I see in a store that may fit the bill. I just canʻt. No room. But I can buy just about any and every pen I lay eyes on at Fisher. And if you thought my demands of furniture seem unreasonable (or at least unattainable), get ready for this ridiculousness.
Throughout the course of my life, Iʻve written. Iʻve written a lot, mostly epistolary. And before you get too impressed, weʻre not talking Jane Austen. More like Diary of a Wimpy Kid with fewer illustrations. As a child, I had only pencils, so my journals were all written in bold but fading grey scratches. It wasnʻt until freshman year of high school that I credit my BFF, Shani, with bringing me into The Adulthood of Writing Implements. She had a brown leather backpack with what seemed like endless pockets of pens. I didnʻt know pens could so interesting!
Iʻve always liked bold markings, so in the early years I really had to have roller ball pens. My preferred pen was this:
It glided across the paper and left behind bold lines, which made it easy to write quickly and permanently. The body of the pen made it easy to see how much ink you had left so you had a good idea of when to go back to Longs and get a replacement.
Later, I was infatuated with these:
They, too, left behind bold strokes and they also glided over the page, but they were also retractable! Amazing! And their points could be had in different thickness! How could you lose?
But finally, my tastes have simplified:
Pilot Easytouch fine-tipped retractable pens in blue or black, though I tend to gravitate toward the blue more often than not. These are perfect for my bullet journaling and for the daily crossword puzzles. They may not slide as gracefully as a roller ball, but they make crisp lines that donʻt bleed into one another. Theyʻre incredibly affordable (they were on sale for $0.69 a piece for Back to School), so I bought a truckload and theyʻre all over the house. On my nightstand, next to the couch, on my desk, on my dresser. Thereʻs one in my wallet, at least two in each backpack, one in each purse, and a few in my pencil pouch. I even have a few at school, and everyone at the Theatre knows which is the good pen (as evidenced by one of my coworkers labelling an individual pen with her station number to ensure it never walked away! And yes, in an office filled with a million pens, thereʻs only one of these at each station!). Thatʻs not even counting the pens I have in reserve.
Because you can never know when youʻll be inspired to write a haiku or jot down an errand you must remember do by the end of the day. You never know when someone will say, "Kanani, try look at todayʻs crossword. Whatʻs 5 down?" You never know when your child will need that field trip form signed two minutes before you leave for work.
You can rest assured, world, that I am ready for your crosswords, To Do lists, and field trip forms. Iʻm ready.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
We Can Be Heroes
If thereʻs nothing else Iʻve learned from Mauna Kea, it's that thereʻs room for all kinds of Hawaiians in the world.
I've been doing a little bit of talking, writing, and sign-waving on behalf of the mauna. I've always been inclined to defend and nurture what I consider equality, equity, and fairness, and I've been environmentally advocating since intermediate school. I don't know how or why, but in my teenage years I grew into the idea of live and let live, which doesn't sound like a bold stance on anything, but this paradigm continues to inform what I do or don't do. These values have grown out of what I've read, the music I listened to, conversations I've had with friends, and spending way too much time thinking about stuff in the dark.
What I'm trying to say is that my religion, my parents, my ethnicity, my schooling, while prominent in my life, all had little to do with the what I decided to make my own. Many of my values, in fact, directly contradicted what I learned in Sunday School or in Health class. I don't know why I thought it was important for women to have the freedom to choose what they did with their bodies, but in high school, we walked ourselves over to the clinic, held some signs, and picketed to protect that right. I don't even remember giving it much thought, it was just something that needed doing.
Did you know that a number of local activists from the 70s didn't speak Hawaiian? Musicians who performed traditional Hawaiian music, too. And, yes, it was a different time. This wasn't long after statehood, and many Hawaiians lost their language through the state and ideological apparatuses. Many people at that time of varying ethnic backgrounds were trying very hard to shed their unique cultures in the spirited effort to become more American. But people also began to fight back (and if you want to know why, you'd have to read or hear their own accounts yourself). Many risked their lives, some folks sacrificed their lives. They were saying, "Enough!" They were saying, "No!" They were saying, "Not this time!"
And what do we do now? We celebrate them. We hold them in high regard. We recognize their dedication to our lāhui, ʻohana, and ʻāina. They are celebrities in certain circles. They are honored guests. Their names have appeared in local publication for the last forty years.
But hereʻs what they mean to me, personally. Here is the hope I find in their example:
Thereʻs not only room for all kinds of Hawaiians in this world, thereʻs a NEED for them.
There is a privileged Hawaiian story that I'm sure most of you are familiar with. The archetypal good Hawaiian knows her history and her language and engages in Hawaiian kine things, all of which she learns through the example of her ʻohana. She dances hula, fishes or farms, she weaves, plays music, gets or has traditional tattoo. To deny that this story (or some version of it) is the valued story is silliness.
And please donʻt read this as a criticism of those for whom this narrative is reality. It speaks of an enduring history, of tradition, of defiance. If you hear or feel undertones of uneasiness it is simply because this is the treasured story in many places, and it has never been MY story.
Privileging this story also has the power to alienate people like me whose forays into culture were limited to field trips to the Bishop Museum and maybe Explorations in the fifth grade.
What these Hawaiian activists and musicians have done for me is they've opened a door. They've bridged the gap. They are a living example that we all have our kuleana that only we can fulfill. Each of us singular. Each of us hears a different call and find different ways to serve. We are not all going to be leaders or what they call cultural practitioners. We're not all going to have the same backstory any more than we're going to have the same jobs or live in the same neighborhood or go to the same school.
It is my overarching goal in life to be a good human being, to ease suffering (mine and others') when I can, and to use whatever talents and skills I have to facilitate peace through understanding and accessibility. Some folks arrive at this place of intention-informed action through religion or culture, and some are thrust into it by circumstance. I arrived through reading. I read newspapers and magazines and zines and lots and lots of books. I consumed large quantities of pop culture, hooked up to an IV that pumped MTV, Hollywood, and Radio Free Hawaii straight into my veins. We met so many different people at concerts and raves, malls and coffee shops. We talked over the phone, over the radio, on grassy medians, at bus stops, and numerous Jack in the Boxes. I don't know how I started believing what I believe, but here I am.
I have strived for a long time to be a good Hawaiian. Often, even when I know better-- when I know my actions alone do not define who I am-- I still cling to this notion of who I should be. Who I'm supposed to be. I let this world of absolutes convince me that if I'm not That Hawaiian, then I am not Hawaiian at all.
Guess what? I may never speak enough Hawaiian to make meaningful conversation. I may never dance hula, farm, fish, or even be arrested for protecting something Hawaiians find sacred. I may never be on the ins with the big wigs, no one would ever consult me about the history of our islands, and no one may ever think I'm Hawaiian enough to be Hawaiian.
But I am.
Not because I'm special, but because of my averageness. I am Hawaiian enough because I am Hawaiian. I am me. I stand up for women's rights, for indigenous people, for people of color, for children, for education, for literacy. I stand up for the environment, sustainability, gender non-conformity, and equality/equity for all. I stand up for reproductive health for women and accessibility to the arts.
And I like to read and do crossword puzzles. I like to eat fruit and french fries and chocolate chip cookies and poi with lomi salmon. I like to wear Vans shoes, use Da Kine backpacks, and dance to ska. I like to hear/read Hawaiian legends, as well as Greek myths and legends, and historical accounts of Catholicism. I studied Spanish language for four years, have a minor Certificate in Women's Studies, and love watching Downton Abbey and war movies. I listen to podcasts on my iPhone while I drive my car to my state job. I like to ride bike on flat surfaces, swim in the ocean, but find it less fun to hike in the mountains.
These are the things that have made me who I am, Hawaiian or not. And I choose to use what I have to better humankind. I blame no one for my own self-doubt-- I have to believe my own inclusive propaganda. However, I also encourage all of us to be mindful of our own habitual thoughts and assumptions.
We Hawaiians are multi-faceted. In fact, we are more than Hawaiian and we are defined by more than our Hawaiianness, which is to say we are not simply defined by our genetics. We are Chinese, Japanese, Samoan, Irish, German, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Greek, Maori, Welsh, Korean, Nigerian, and so much more. We bring our multicultural backgrounds with us wherever we go. People often look at us and cannot identify "what" we are. I see strength in that. That means we can be flexible and creative. That means we can relate to others and be easily relatable, too. It also means we have a large pool from which to draw strength and wisdom, and it means we can challenge outdated ideas and norms, defy expectations, and bring new meaning wherever we go.
When people see themselves in their heroes, they begin to believe they can be heroic, too. By embracing diversity, we find different points of connection to each other and to our heritage, and we can take another step toward figuring out who we are and what we stand for, even if both ideas are always in flux.
I've been doing a little bit of talking, writing, and sign-waving on behalf of the mauna. I've always been inclined to defend and nurture what I consider equality, equity, and fairness, and I've been environmentally advocating since intermediate school. I don't know how or why, but in my teenage years I grew into the idea of live and let live, which doesn't sound like a bold stance on anything, but this paradigm continues to inform what I do or don't do. These values have grown out of what I've read, the music I listened to, conversations I've had with friends, and spending way too much time thinking about stuff in the dark.
What I'm trying to say is that my religion, my parents, my ethnicity, my schooling, while prominent in my life, all had little to do with the what I decided to make my own. Many of my values, in fact, directly contradicted what I learned in Sunday School or in Health class. I don't know why I thought it was important for women to have the freedom to choose what they did with their bodies, but in high school, we walked ourselves over to the clinic, held some signs, and picketed to protect that right. I don't even remember giving it much thought, it was just something that needed doing.
Did you know that a number of local activists from the 70s didn't speak Hawaiian? Musicians who performed traditional Hawaiian music, too. And, yes, it was a different time. This wasn't long after statehood, and many Hawaiians lost their language through the state and ideological apparatuses. Many people at that time of varying ethnic backgrounds were trying very hard to shed their unique cultures in the spirited effort to become more American. But people also began to fight back (and if you want to know why, you'd have to read or hear their own accounts yourself). Many risked their lives, some folks sacrificed their lives. They were saying, "Enough!" They were saying, "No!" They were saying, "Not this time!"
And what do we do now? We celebrate them. We hold them in high regard. We recognize their dedication to our lāhui, ʻohana, and ʻāina. They are celebrities in certain circles. They are honored guests. Their names have appeared in local publication for the last forty years.
But hereʻs what they mean to me, personally. Here is the hope I find in their example:
Thereʻs not only room for all kinds of Hawaiians in this world, thereʻs a NEED for them.
There is a privileged Hawaiian story that I'm sure most of you are familiar with. The archetypal good Hawaiian knows her history and her language and engages in Hawaiian kine things, all of which she learns through the example of her ʻohana. She dances hula, fishes or farms, she weaves, plays music, gets or has traditional tattoo. To deny that this story (or some version of it) is the valued story is silliness.
And please donʻt read this as a criticism of those for whom this narrative is reality. It speaks of an enduring history, of tradition, of defiance. If you hear or feel undertones of uneasiness it is simply because this is the treasured story in many places, and it has never been MY story.
Privileging this story also has the power to alienate people like me whose forays into culture were limited to field trips to the Bishop Museum and maybe Explorations in the fifth grade.
What these Hawaiian activists and musicians have done for me is they've opened a door. They've bridged the gap. They are a living example that we all have our kuleana that only we can fulfill. Each of us singular. Each of us hears a different call and find different ways to serve. We are not all going to be leaders or what they call cultural practitioners. We're not all going to have the same backstory any more than we're going to have the same jobs or live in the same neighborhood or go to the same school.
It is my overarching goal in life to be a good human being, to ease suffering (mine and others') when I can, and to use whatever talents and skills I have to facilitate peace through understanding and accessibility. Some folks arrive at this place of intention-informed action through religion or culture, and some are thrust into it by circumstance. I arrived through reading. I read newspapers and magazines and zines and lots and lots of books. I consumed large quantities of pop culture, hooked up to an IV that pumped MTV, Hollywood, and Radio Free Hawaii straight into my veins. We met so many different people at concerts and raves, malls and coffee shops. We talked over the phone, over the radio, on grassy medians, at bus stops, and numerous Jack in the Boxes. I don't know how I started believing what I believe, but here I am.
I have strived for a long time to be a good Hawaiian. Often, even when I know better-- when I know my actions alone do not define who I am-- I still cling to this notion of who I should be. Who I'm supposed to be. I let this world of absolutes convince me that if I'm not That Hawaiian, then I am not Hawaiian at all.
Guess what? I may never speak enough Hawaiian to make meaningful conversation. I may never dance hula, farm, fish, or even be arrested for protecting something Hawaiians find sacred. I may never be on the ins with the big wigs, no one would ever consult me about the history of our islands, and no one may ever think I'm Hawaiian enough to be Hawaiian.
But I am.
Not because I'm special, but because of my averageness. I am Hawaiian enough because I am Hawaiian. I am me. I stand up for women's rights, for indigenous people, for people of color, for children, for education, for literacy. I stand up for the environment, sustainability, gender non-conformity, and equality/equity for all. I stand up for reproductive health for women and accessibility to the arts.
And I like to read and do crossword puzzles. I like to eat fruit and french fries and chocolate chip cookies and poi with lomi salmon. I like to wear Vans shoes, use Da Kine backpacks, and dance to ska. I like to hear/read Hawaiian legends, as well as Greek myths and legends, and historical accounts of Catholicism. I studied Spanish language for four years, have a minor Certificate in Women's Studies, and love watching Downton Abbey and war movies. I listen to podcasts on my iPhone while I drive my car to my state job. I like to ride bike on flat surfaces, swim in the ocean, but find it less fun to hike in the mountains.
These are the things that have made me who I am, Hawaiian or not. And I choose to use what I have to better humankind. I blame no one for my own self-doubt-- I have to believe my own inclusive propaganda. However, I also encourage all of us to be mindful of our own habitual thoughts and assumptions.
We Hawaiians are multi-faceted. In fact, we are more than Hawaiian and we are defined by more than our Hawaiianness, which is to say we are not simply defined by our genetics. We are Chinese, Japanese, Samoan, Irish, German, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Greek, Maori, Welsh, Korean, Nigerian, and so much more. We bring our multicultural backgrounds with us wherever we go. People often look at us and cannot identify "what" we are. I see strength in that. That means we can be flexible and creative. That means we can relate to others and be easily relatable, too. It also means we have a large pool from which to draw strength and wisdom, and it means we can challenge outdated ideas and norms, defy expectations, and bring new meaning wherever we go.
When people see themselves in their heroes, they begin to believe they can be heroic, too. By embracing diversity, we find different points of connection to each other and to our heritage, and we can take another step toward figuring out who we are and what we stand for, even if both ideas are always in flux.
Friday, July 26, 2019
A Living, Breathing History
We have been like sharks lately, in constant movement. We are consumed by showing up, standing up, filling in, and speaking out.
A couple weeks ago, Jonah expressed that as much as he wants his new program to succeed, as important as his actual paying job is, he wants to ACT. He wants to find the next rally, he wants to go to the mauna, he wants to bring people together and engage in discourse. All of us echoed these same sentiments. All of said weʻd been less engaged in other activities so that we could focus on this one.
I woke up this morning with Kumu Hinaʻs words on my mind. "No can, but can. Hard, but not hard. Tired, but not tired." She, too, is pulled between at least these two inclinations: to stand for the mauna and her people and to go to work. For anyone who has a family, a job (or two or three), and other daily responsibilities, it can be super difficult to carve out time and energy for these other activities. For those of us in education, I know many of you, including my own family (my joke is that education is the family business), are preparing for the upcoming school year. Weʻll have meetings to organize and attend, lesson plans to put together, classrooms to arrange, and materials to prep. And because we do these things with utmost care because we accept the great responsibility of raising intelligent, free-thinking, compassionate children, we feel conflicted: I should be doing school work, but I really want to write this blog/attend this rally/listen to this speaker/watch this YouTube video/read this article/go to the mauna.
Because of my own fervor, Iʻve lost out on sleep. Tired, but not tired. Iʻve spent time away from my family. Hard, but not hard. Iʻve felt unequal to the task of telling my own stories, and felt close to useless in this movement. No can, but can. Even now, three hours after I woke up, Iʻm hungry and thirsty, and yet taking the time to make breakfast and coffee seems like too much time away from this. I woke up with "No can, but can. Hard, but not hard. Tired, but not tired," running through my head and I flew to my desk. I had to jot down my thoughts. I donʻt speak Hawaiian, I donʻt work the land, and I donʻt fish. But I can tell stories, and telling stories is how I serve.
What has been a particular source of irritation for me is this false dichotomy being disseminated over social media and has not been contradicted (although I have found allies in some unusual places) by traditional news media: if youʻre against TMT, youʻre anti-science. It is a slogan that resounds over the inter webs, being spouted by every lay person who thinks itʻs clever. Youʻve seen this play out in a number of ways, most recently in todayʻs paper in which the pro-TMT organizers claim that their rally was to show that Hawaii "appreciates astronomy" and that "Hawaiian culture and science can coexist" on the mountain. If thatʻs all they were doing, weʻd all be standing on the same side of the road. What in my protest demonstrates that I donʻt appreciate astronomy or that I donʻt believe culture and science can coexist? And, perhaps more importantly in my mind, what about your pro-TMT stance suggests that you appreciate astronomy or value Hawaiian culture?
I know that many people living in Hawaii can look at our past and sympathize. You can see the injustices that took place and feel disgust and sadness-- you can see the loss. You can identify who our champions and allies were by name at various points in our history and feel pride and amazement for what they accomplished. You look at this historic struggle with sympathy and might even wish things had been different, but you think itʻs all in the past and that nothing more can be done. You might even wish you could have been there during that time so you could help change the tide, but you canʻt because itʻs history.
What you might not recognize is that we are living history RIGHT NOW. I know it looks different from the 19th century or the 20th century, and you donʻt think of yourself as a George Helm, say, or Loretta Ritte, but here we are. You might not be able to see the importance of your own actions or of those around you, or you might think your efforts to be so small as to be insignificant. You might not see that the tools that were used against Hawaii (tools that were long used by imperialists throughout time and geography) so many years ago are the same tools being deployed today. They might look a little different-- there was no Instagram back then-- but look, and youʻll find the ideological apparatus in play.
Those who stand to benefit most from the construction and operation of the Thirty Meter Telescope are not scientists. I hope you understand this. People who support the construction of TMT-- the people commenting on Facebook posts-- are not the universities and countries backing the TMT. Those who will benefit from TMT have invested tons of money because they stand to make a ton of money. Do you really think their primary motivation is scientific discovery and exploration? They have a lot at stake and will dedicate large quantities of their resources to see it done. They can influence politicians and control the flow of information. They can hire outside agencies to sow discord and lies. This is not paranoia or a conspiracy theory. They use whatever tools are at their disposal-- including the everyday people who support TMT-- to get what they want. What scientist would want their TMT under these circumstances?
My struggle is not against the telescope, science, or technology. I struggle against Business As Usual practices that utilize racism, propaganda, and the repressive state apparatus. I fight against those who would use those tools of oppression to marginalize my voice and all minority voices whether they be indigenous or female or something else entirely. I struggle against profit at the expense of the environment and the well being of the people.
But you donʻt have to take my word for it. Iʻm always learning, and I encourage you to keep your heart and mind open to new and different ideas. Weigh them, question them, and be willing to change your opinion. This is how I like to approach knowledge-gathering:
- Come humbly without expectations. Remember that even though we all come with our own knowledge, you donʻt have to always exert your knowledge. You donʻt have to be the loudest voice in the room. In fact, you donʻt even have to be a voice in the room. You can listen. You can be silent. You can observe. Humility is not weakness, it is strength.
- Ask questions, especially if you donʻt know or understand, and LISTEN to the answer. Chew on it. Mull it over. You donʻt need to react, especially if what youʻre hearing is new information.
- Consult a variety of sources, including those that support your opposition. Get the fullest picture you can. Look beyond traditional news sources. Talk to people, watch documentaries and YouTube videos, listen to podcasts. Find as many primary sources as you can. When articles refer to a study or poll, find that study or poll and read it for yourself.
- Use your brain. Be skeptical, be curious. Question what you read or hear-- does that sound true? Who stands to benefit? Where is the money coming from and where is it going? Where are the women? Draw your own conclusions based on the evidence you find. Come up with your own unique perspective.
- Remember, even after you gain more confidence in what you know, revisit your own values and opinions. Be open to changing your mind. I hated lima beans when I was a kid because, clearly, theyʻre disgusting. And then Charlie made them in a different way and I realized okay fine, maybe theyʻre way less disgusting than I remembered.
- Finally, talk stories! When I was writing a paper and got stuck on a point, Iʻd almost always talk to Charlie. Whether we agreed on something or not didnʻt matter because either way it helped me discover and articulate my point, even if I wasnʻt sure what it was before we started talking. At different stages of writing this blog, I spoke with Shelley, and that served as kind of more brainstorming. This little 6-point checklist might not have happened if it hadnʻt been for her.
I hope you see that my goal isnʻt to get you to think like me. My goal is to encourage you to seek knowledge, continually and circumspectly. I am an educator and I advocate for education. I donʻt expect you to agree with me, but I hope that if you do disagree, especially about TMT, that you come to me with an informed argument. Donʻt tell me you think TMT is good because science or jobs. Donʻt tell me to educate myself, which is generally good advice but irrelevant to this particular discussion. Might as well tell me to breathe or blink. Show me your evidence because I might find it so compelling as to alter my way of thinking.
With informed discourse, we can broaden the conversation and perhaps better understand each other and the issues at hand.
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Mauna, ʻOhana, and Finding My Way
I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to be Hawaiian. What makes me Hawaiian? What makes anyone Hawaiian? What makes anyone anything? I obsess over this in a way that I don't over being Chinese or Japanese. I even wrote a blog about it recently.
And these are contentious times. Check out your choice of social media, open a newspaper, visit local news websites, and what do you see? Hawaiians and non-Hawaiians are standing up for what they believe, protecting the mauna, and preserving the places that our people have held sacred since the beginning of everything. It is as good a place to start as any.
I spent this past weekend on Maui. We had a family reunion to attend, which provided an excuse to take a vacation. It was Charlie's first neighbor island experience and our first real family getaway. It was a wonderful adventure, and highly instructive. Two significant things happens on this trip, the first being that we went up the mauna, Haleakalā.
If you've ever been to Haleakalā, you know what the drive is like. It's long and winding and takes you through a landscape that is mostly unknown and unseen on Oʻahu. You see vast tracts of land that are untouched by concrete and pavement. You see cows, goats, and horses. You see large swaths of greenery and houses with spaces between them. You see a sky that is limitless and stretches beyond imagination. Once you get to a certain elevation, the clouds are beneath you and instead of more road or land, you only see sky beyond the edge of the road. It is scary and exciting and otherworldly.
And then you reach the top. There's a parking lot and a couple of Visitors Centers with restrooms and trash cans. There's even parking stalls for buses, though who would ride a tour bus up the mauna, I don't know. Like with most tourist destinations, there are signs that tell about that place and what ancient Hawaiians did there. I wish I had thought to tell the guard at the front charging $25 a car to get in that we were there to pray because pray is what we did. In our way.
I thought of those Hawaiians-- my ancestors-- and how they walked up the mauna. They didn't have cars or roads or buses, and they weren't charged an entrance fee and then given access to a toilet that flushed. They walked. Can you imagine that trek? The summit of Haleakala is at over 10, 000 feet above sea level-- that wasn't a vacation, that was a journey. And when you reach the top, the world is different.
People say it's like being closer to God, being up that high, and when you're there, it's easy to understand. You're so high up that the ocean looks like sky and the sky fills your vision. You might just be literally, physically, geographically closer to God if you believe in God and that God's home is in the sky. You also see the landscape, which is so different than what you see catching the bus to work or riding your bike along the beach. On the way up, there are rolling greens, for sure, and you'll pass through forests of trees, but there's an invisible veil it seems and once you're through, there are rocks and cinder cones and brown. And that's only one part of the mauna. It is vast and humbling. It is haunting and otherworldly. It doesn't taste like chicken.
Not long after we communed with the mauna, we descended into Kula for our Ikua Purdy family reunion, and this is where the second significant thing happened. This biannual tradition began in 1994, the year I graduated from high school. We camped at Ulupalakua that year, the ranch where my great-grandpa Ikua worked and died after returning from his Wyoming trip. The monument in Waimea had not yet been erected and Ikua was not yet in the National Cowboy Museum Rodeo Hall of Fame. It was hard for me to tell if anyone beyond our family knew who he was.
So we returned to Maui this year, and the first thing that happened when we got there was they corralled all the Kukuna (great-great grandkids) for a photograph. Now, if I were really a picture person I would have been all over that opportunity, but I wasn't so I don't have a copy of that yet. But believe me, they are plentiful. Got choke. And they were lined up behind all twelve of the Hua (grandkids) who attended, which is my dad's generation-- the closest living generation to Ikua. And my cousin (fellow Hua ʻŌpiʻo) was on the microphone talking about honoring our ancestors while also raising up the future-- and how did we want to do that? How were we going to do that?
And then in a moment of pure clarity, it made sense to me. What does it mean for me to be Hawaiian? Family. It was as simple as the words my cousin just spoke: how would I honor my ancestors and how would I raise the future? It wouldn't matter what language I spoke, what historical dates I remembered or celebrated, or what I studied in school. How would I use my talents, skills, and gifts to honor the past and build the future?
I don't know what's taken me so long to come to the realization that action alone is not enough to define who I am-- it is, at least in part, informed engagement. It is how I strive to serve, to better my community, using the tools I have. I might not speak Hawaiian or dance hula or work the land, but I can still contribute and I can still learn. After all, I descend from navigators, warriors, and cultivators. My great-grandfather traveled to Wyoming and returned home a champion. I draw strength from that (and yes, I wrote a blog about that, too), so what do I give back?
I cannot say that this is my final answer to the question of what it means to be Hawaiian. It's a topic I keep coming back to. But I know that my Hawaiianness, which can only be defined by me, is fundamentally tied to the people around me and the places we occupy and hold sacred. I might not have a personal stake in either mauna, yet I am a child of both: Ikua made his livelihood on the slopes of Mauna Kea and Haleakalā. Further, my Hawaiianness isn't a badge or reward and it won't necessarily gain me entrance to the more selective Hawaiian circles (they exist, I've seen them), and that's okay. All I really hope to do is understand myself and be as good a person as I can manage.
And these are contentious times. Check out your choice of social media, open a newspaper, visit local news websites, and what do you see? Hawaiians and non-Hawaiians are standing up for what they believe, protecting the mauna, and preserving the places that our people have held sacred since the beginning of everything. It is as good a place to start as any.
I spent this past weekend on Maui. We had a family reunion to attend, which provided an excuse to take a vacation. It was Charlie's first neighbor island experience and our first real family getaway. It was a wonderful adventure, and highly instructive. Two significant things happens on this trip, the first being that we went up the mauna, Haleakalā.
If you've ever been to Haleakalā, you know what the drive is like. It's long and winding and takes you through a landscape that is mostly unknown and unseen on Oʻahu. You see vast tracts of land that are untouched by concrete and pavement. You see cows, goats, and horses. You see large swaths of greenery and houses with spaces between them. You see a sky that is limitless and stretches beyond imagination. Once you get to a certain elevation, the clouds are beneath you and instead of more road or land, you only see sky beyond the edge of the road. It is scary and exciting and otherworldly.
And then you reach the top. There's a parking lot and a couple of Visitors Centers with restrooms and trash cans. There's even parking stalls for buses, though who would ride a tour bus up the mauna, I don't know. Like with most tourist destinations, there are signs that tell about that place and what ancient Hawaiians did there. I wish I had thought to tell the guard at the front charging $25 a car to get in that we were there to pray because pray is what we did. In our way.
I thought of those Hawaiians-- my ancestors-- and how they walked up the mauna. They didn't have cars or roads or buses, and they weren't charged an entrance fee and then given access to a toilet that flushed. They walked. Can you imagine that trek? The summit of Haleakala is at over 10, 000 feet above sea level-- that wasn't a vacation, that was a journey. And when you reach the top, the world is different.
People say it's like being closer to God, being up that high, and when you're there, it's easy to understand. You're so high up that the ocean looks like sky and the sky fills your vision. You might just be literally, physically, geographically closer to God if you believe in God and that God's home is in the sky. You also see the landscape, which is so different than what you see catching the bus to work or riding your bike along the beach. On the way up, there are rolling greens, for sure, and you'll pass through forests of trees, but there's an invisible veil it seems and once you're through, there are rocks and cinder cones and brown. And that's only one part of the mauna. It is vast and humbling. It is haunting and otherworldly. It doesn't taste like chicken.
Not long after we communed with the mauna, we descended into Kula for our Ikua Purdy family reunion, and this is where the second significant thing happened. This biannual tradition began in 1994, the year I graduated from high school. We camped at Ulupalakua that year, the ranch where my great-grandpa Ikua worked and died after returning from his Wyoming trip. The monument in Waimea had not yet been erected and Ikua was not yet in the National Cowboy Museum Rodeo Hall of Fame. It was hard for me to tell if anyone beyond our family knew who he was.
So we returned to Maui this year, and the first thing that happened when we got there was they corralled all the Kukuna (great-great grandkids) for a photograph. Now, if I were really a picture person I would have been all over that opportunity, but I wasn't so I don't have a copy of that yet. But believe me, they are plentiful. Got choke. And they were lined up behind all twelve of the Hua (grandkids) who attended, which is my dad's generation-- the closest living generation to Ikua. And my cousin (fellow Hua ʻŌpiʻo) was on the microphone talking about honoring our ancestors while also raising up the future-- and how did we want to do that? How were we going to do that?
And then in a moment of pure clarity, it made sense to me. What does it mean for me to be Hawaiian? Family. It was as simple as the words my cousin just spoke: how would I honor my ancestors and how would I raise the future? It wouldn't matter what language I spoke, what historical dates I remembered or celebrated, or what I studied in school. How would I use my talents, skills, and gifts to honor the past and build the future?
I don't know what's taken me so long to come to the realization that action alone is not enough to define who I am-- it is, at least in part, informed engagement. It is how I strive to serve, to better my community, using the tools I have. I might not speak Hawaiian or dance hula or work the land, but I can still contribute and I can still learn. After all, I descend from navigators, warriors, and cultivators. My great-grandfather traveled to Wyoming and returned home a champion. I draw strength from that (and yes, I wrote a blog about that, too), so what do I give back?
I cannot say that this is my final answer to the question of what it means to be Hawaiian. It's a topic I keep coming back to. But I know that my Hawaiianness, which can only be defined by me, is fundamentally tied to the people around me and the places we occupy and hold sacred. I might not have a personal stake in either mauna, yet I am a child of both: Ikua made his livelihood on the slopes of Mauna Kea and Haleakalā. Further, my Hawaiianness isn't a badge or reward and it won't necessarily gain me entrance to the more selective Hawaiian circles (they exist, I've seen them), and that's okay. All I really hope to do is understand myself and be as good a person as I can manage.
Saturday, July 6, 2019
Remembering Dmitri Mendeleev
One of my ongoing goals has been to read through the entire periodic table, one element a day. If you know me, you're likely scratching your head, wondering why I'd take an interest in chemistry. I don't know. I just realized toward the ending of May that I have a deficiency and wanted to correct it. I can do anything, after all, including read short blurbs about things I should have learned in the 11th grade (and likely did but forgot).
Click here to find the table I've been reading.
You can also download their app for your mobile device, available in the Apple app store or Google Play.
I started this one element a (week)day thing in June beginning with Hydrogen and moving horizontally through the periods, and I'm only doing weekdays because I don't usually journal on the weekends. Come Monday, the next element is Calcium.
And I considered keeping notes on what I read or trying to commit their atomic symbols to memory, but that just seemed like work. Too much work, really, and not a lot of fun. The idea wasn't to become an expert in the elements, just familiar with them. So, I just read. I read about the element's uses and properties and its history, which, as far as I'm concerned, is plenty. For example, at the beginning of the table, near Berylium and Boron, Charlie and I were watching the HBO mini-series, Chernobyl. Imagine my excitement at the overlap! Practical application of knowledge learned!
But knowledge for knowledge's sake is fun, too. Did you know that 5% of the US's production of electricity goes toward the manufacture of aluminum? According to the Royal Society of Chemistry, anyway. I also wowed Charlie (with information he already knows) when we stood under the Hawaii Theatre's marquee and I said, "Only the red lights are actually neon, you know." And so what if he already knew that? So what? I didn't know that before a few days ago, and I feel pretty proud of myself for knowing it now.
Click here to find the table I've been reading.
You can also download their app for your mobile device, available in the Apple app store or Google Play.
I started this one element a (week)day thing in June beginning with Hydrogen and moving horizontally through the periods, and I'm only doing weekdays because I don't usually journal on the weekends. Come Monday, the next element is Calcium.
And I considered keeping notes on what I read or trying to commit their atomic symbols to memory, but that just seemed like work. Too much work, really, and not a lot of fun. The idea wasn't to become an expert in the elements, just familiar with them. So, I just read. I read about the element's uses and properties and its history, which, as far as I'm concerned, is plenty. For example, at the beginning of the table, near Berylium and Boron, Charlie and I were watching the HBO mini-series, Chernobyl. Imagine my excitement at the overlap! Practical application of knowledge learned!
But knowledge for knowledge's sake is fun, too. Did you know that 5% of the US's production of electricity goes toward the manufacture of aluminum? According to the Royal Society of Chemistry, anyway. I also wowed Charlie (with information he already knows) when we stood under the Hawaii Theatre's marquee and I said, "Only the red lights are actually neon, you know." And so what if he already knew that? So what? I didn't know that before a few days ago, and I feel pretty proud of myself for knowing it now.
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| Dmitri Mendeleev |
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
My So-Called Summer
The great thing about working in a public school is having summers off. Summers are magical, and in June, time is long. It stretches before me eternally and anything is possible. My ambitions, though, are usually pretty modest: go to the beach, deep clean the house, get a lot of reading done, see friends. None of these things require a wave of the magic wand, a mystical incantation, or a blood ritual.
Until it's the end of July and I haven't completed a quarter of all that I wanted to do.
Because, friends, how lazy is lazy? Like any educator out there, I work hard during the school year. I write reports, create lesson plans, score tests, and plan. "Plan" is just a catch-all word that includes mundane things like: photocopy, shred, file, organize, read, email, prepare materials, and collaborate with others. Oh, and yard duty, four recesses a week. Luckily, I love my job, the people I work with, and the kids I see everyday, so it's no big deal. By the end of the year, I'm ready . . . READY . . . for the summer. Again, most of you educators feel me, right? If I have to hear one more "she said she's not my friend" again, I will repeatedly stab a hot fudge sundae with a spoon and don't know if I'll ever stop.
And summers are meant to be lazy! People are meant to slow down. We're supposed to lounge on the beach, drink large or many cups of coffee in the morning, and do the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle. We're supposed to get BORED because that's how we get creative. We're supposed to get futtless, take naps, eat snacks, daydream, and turn off our brains.
So I try to follow some very basic rules when I can: no waking up early, no going to sleep early, watch lots of TV, read lots of books, get a tan, don't eat too much. That's pretty much it. And in between those things, I try to be productive. In the past, I've made goals to finish writing a manuscript; I was going to read all those books people gave me; I was going to have lunch with as many friends as I could; I was going to deconstruct the kitchen and replace it with a cleaner, less sticky and fuzzy version. None of these things happened!
Because, friends, you still haven't told me-- how lazy is lazy? I can sit down to eat my bagel, turn on the news, and never turn off the TV again for the rest of the day. By dinner, I'll have finished New Girl, season three, caught twenty different choreographers' interpretations of "The Shape of You," and rewatched every Bad Lip Reading music video, every Epic Rap Battles of History, and every Jimmy Fallon Classroom Instruments performance, and consider it a productive day. For being lazy.
But every day can't possibly be a lazy, rot-in-front-of-the-TV sort of day, any more than it can be a scrub-the-floor-til-I-can-eat-off-of-it every stinking day, right? You need balance.
I'm trying something very new this year. It's called Planning. You might have heard of it. Planning for the Home is not unlike Planning for the Classroom in that it involves some very mundane activities, such as: organizing, emailing, reading, and collaborating with others. The at-home version, however, includes laundry, dirty dishes, and dust bunnies older than my littlest niece. As a bonus, it also includes fun stuff like creating stuff, beach, camp, and Maui.
I haven't gotten it down completely because it's much harder than it seems. I made a bill tracker, and I've actually used it! Yes, it's in my bullet journal, so double points for me!
I've also been getting ready for camp, which is the best! I get to make lists and scour YouTube and Pinterest for camping hacks and must-haves. Come on, who doesn't need lights on their shoes? If we actually wore shoes for crabbing, we'd be totally in it to win it.
And books. My favorite, but probably most problematic. Why? Because nothing I do seems to make it any easier to read a book (let alone THREE) any faster. I've tried daily page counts and reading times (30 minutes a day, for example). They're not even long and they're totally topics I'm into, so why can't I finish? Or even get started? Ugh. If you've got a trick, let me know. I think it's the hardest because it requires me to sit and do nothing. I'm not even motivated to bring it to the gym anymore.
Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. Blogging is still one of my weekly goals, so I am actually being productive as I type this out (even if I'm writing about how I'm not reading and could actually be reading right now instead). So far it's been pretty good, though I haven't stepped foot on a beach yet, and the only person I've dined with that I'm not related to is, uh, no one! You could be my first! We'll see how the summer turns out-- we still got time! I want to play and work and be lazy. I just want it all. Certainly, you can help. If you've got any life hacks that might make this any easier, please share! I'd be especially excited if it were something that involved lists and my bujo. And if you want to hang out, eat some food, walk around the park, catch a moving picture show, or come clean my house, I'm totally game. It's summer!
Edit: I'm a liar. I actually had breakfast with Kimi and Keoki during alumni week, and they're the first non-family members to join me on my Wednesday Whole Foods morning trip.
Until it's the end of July and I haven't completed a quarter of all that I wanted to do.
Because, friends, how lazy is lazy? Like any educator out there, I work hard during the school year. I write reports, create lesson plans, score tests, and plan. "Plan" is just a catch-all word that includes mundane things like: photocopy, shred, file, organize, read, email, prepare materials, and collaborate with others. Oh, and yard duty, four recesses a week. Luckily, I love my job, the people I work with, and the kids I see everyday, so it's no big deal. By the end of the year, I'm ready . . . READY . . . for the summer. Again, most of you educators feel me, right? If I have to hear one more "she said she's not my friend" again, I will repeatedly stab a hot fudge sundae with a spoon and don't know if I'll ever stop.
And summers are meant to be lazy! People are meant to slow down. We're supposed to lounge on the beach, drink large or many cups of coffee in the morning, and do the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle. We're supposed to get BORED because that's how we get creative. We're supposed to get futtless, take naps, eat snacks, daydream, and turn off our brains.
So I try to follow some very basic rules when I can: no waking up early, no going to sleep early, watch lots of TV, read lots of books, get a tan, don't eat too much. That's pretty much it. And in between those things, I try to be productive. In the past, I've made goals to finish writing a manuscript; I was going to read all those books people gave me; I was going to have lunch with as many friends as I could; I was going to deconstruct the kitchen and replace it with a cleaner, less sticky and fuzzy version. None of these things happened!
Because, friends, you still haven't told me-- how lazy is lazy? I can sit down to eat my bagel, turn on the news, and never turn off the TV again for the rest of the day. By dinner, I'll have finished New Girl, season three, caught twenty different choreographers' interpretations of "The Shape of You," and rewatched every Bad Lip Reading music video, every Epic Rap Battles of History, and every Jimmy Fallon Classroom Instruments performance, and consider it a productive day. For being lazy.
But every day can't possibly be a lazy, rot-in-front-of-the-TV sort of day, any more than it can be a scrub-the-floor-til-I-can-eat-off-of-it every stinking day, right? You need balance.
I'm trying something very new this year. It's called Planning. You might have heard of it. Planning for the Home is not unlike Planning for the Classroom in that it involves some very mundane activities, such as: organizing, emailing, reading, and collaborating with others. The at-home version, however, includes laundry, dirty dishes, and dust bunnies older than my littlest niece. As a bonus, it also includes fun stuff like creating stuff, beach, camp, and Maui.
I haven't gotten it down completely because it's much harder than it seems. I made a bill tracker, and I've actually used it! Yes, it's in my bullet journal, so double points for me!
I've also been getting ready for camp, which is the best! I get to make lists and scour YouTube and Pinterest for camping hacks and must-haves. Come on, who doesn't need lights on their shoes? If we actually wore shoes for crabbing, we'd be totally in it to win it.
And books. My favorite, but probably most problematic. Why? Because nothing I do seems to make it any easier to read a book (let alone THREE) any faster. I've tried daily page counts and reading times (30 minutes a day, for example). They're not even long and they're totally topics I'm into, so why can't I finish? Or even get started? Ugh. If you've got a trick, let me know. I think it's the hardest because it requires me to sit and do nothing. I'm not even motivated to bring it to the gym anymore.
Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. Blogging is still one of my weekly goals, so I am actually being productive as I type this out (even if I'm writing about how I'm not reading and could actually be reading right now instead). So far it's been pretty good, though I haven't stepped foot on a beach yet, and the only person I've dined with that I'm not related to is, uh, no one! You could be my first! We'll see how the summer turns out-- we still got time! I want to play and work and be lazy. I just want it all. Certainly, you can help. If you've got any life hacks that might make this any easier, please share! I'd be especially excited if it were something that involved lists and my bujo. And if you want to hang out, eat some food, walk around the park, catch a moving picture show, or come clean my house, I'm totally game. It's summer!
Edit: I'm a liar. I actually had breakfast with Kimi and Keoki during alumni week, and they're the first non-family members to join me on my Wednesday Whole Foods morning trip.
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Since Iʻm Not a Poet (Iʻll Just Hit You Over the Head With It)
In my Popoʻs house, there is a light above the kitchen sink. It is merely a bare bulb with a string, set above a window just under the ceiling. For a kid to turn it on, sheʻd have to climb up onto the counter to pull that string. I have memories of hiking one leg up onto the counter to sip water from the tap or to rinse the uncooked rice in the pot. But never of turning on that light. Even as I think about it at this moment, it seems an herculean task. It seems like an insurmountable height that even now I could not reach. Perhaps itʻs because right now I feel small. Perhaps not.
But that light over the kitchen sink, I can only remember ever being on during one part of the day: when Dad got ready for work. For years, which ended only recently upon retirement, my dad woke up super early. Weʻre talking 3am or something because he liked to take his time preparing for his day, drinking coffee and working on a crossword.
That light came on when every other was off, and cast a dim glow that didnʻt reach the corners of the kitchen. I see my dad sitting at the table, his cup of instant in front of him. On the rare occasions that Iʻd wake before he left, I might be able to stir his coffee for him. In my memory, my head leans on his shoulder.
When he was ready to leave, heʻd turn off the light and Iʻd run across the house to the living room window to watch him get in his car and impatiently wait while he ran the engine. Iʻd hear the distinct sound of him releasing the emergency break (or maybe thatʻs just memory playing tricks on me) then slowly pull out of the driveway. If he knew I was there, heʻd wave to me and Iʻd wave excitedly back. That gesture would fill me up and I could go back to bed and sleep again.
There were times when I missed the light and missed the coffee and would only get to run to the window to wave goodbye. But if he hadnʻt known I was awake, he wouldnʻt wave to me, no matter how I willed it. I couldnʻt yell out to him that early in the morning, and there werenʻt cell phones to text or call. I missed him and wouldnʻt see him until after school, later in the afternoon. I wouldnʻt feel filled up and it would be difficult to get back to sleep.
That one light in my Popoʻs house, the house in which I grew up-- thatʻs what I think of when I see it. I think of my dad and waving goodbye to him and feeling seen and loved and cherished. I feel indulged. Iʻm sure on those days that I woke up with him, Iʻd make everything take longer because I, a kid, was doing it. It was his routine that I was interrupting and in which he was making space for me. Routine be damned, heʻd always let us stir his coffee. The dim light made the room seem smaller and cozier, and it was just me and him in the whole world. Me and my dad.
Maybe itʻs just in my memory that my dad didnʻt rush me, always waved goodbye, let me rest my head on his shoulder. Maybe itʻs only in my memory that the room was so dimly lit, enclosing me and my dad in a bubble just for us two. What I feel most of all when I think of that light in that kitchen and my dad being in that space is love. The warmth of that glowing bulb is the warmth of that love, and it fills me up when I feel low.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
How My Appointment With the Geneticist Affects (or Doesn't Affect) You
On the eve of my birthday, I received this in the mail:
This letter represents one year of constant bleeding and anemia, one surgery, one month of recovery, seven months of therapy, and five months of phone calls. It is the culmination of effort, doctor's visits, advocacy, and endurance. And this letter really kind of embodies all the nonsense going on in our country about restricting women's reproductive freedom because this letter isn't just about me, it's about all the women I'm related to. To help you understand this, let me break it down into my current favorite: a list. Now, these will be things you've read in my blogs before, but there's a reason I'm going to repeat myself. One of my English professors taught that a "proper" thesis sentence should say something like "'this author did this thing using this, this, and this.'" We all know this, right? Anyone who has ever had to write a paper in high school or college has probably been taught this. "But the critical part," she said, "the part that many people forget is the last part: 'and here's why that's important.'"
- In 2018, I tried at least two different types of birth control pills, inserted and lost two separate IUDs, and implanted Nexplanon into my left arm. The pills were "free," but I had to sort of apply to my insurance company for both the IUDs and Nexplanon. It also was a weeks-long ordeal: first, a doctor's visit so he could put a request in to my insurance company; second, the pharmacy calls me to verify; and finally, another doctor's visit to insert the IUD or Nexplanon. None of the birth control costs me anything, but I still make a co-pay to my doctor each time I see him and pay for the parking or bus fare, too. And then when my body expelled both IUDs, my doctor required me to make another appointment for ultrasounds to make sure that they weren't just hiding somewhere in my body. I also had to undergo other ultrasounds to see if I had any worrisome masses in my uterus. None of the methods of birth control made a lick of difference and the ultrasounds were always inconclusive.
- In fact, I see my internist (who is a woman) and three OB/Gyns (all male) multiple times in 2018 to try to resolve my bleeding issue, and none of them once uttered "cancer." None of them uttered any kind of diagnosis. It was all a big mystery, apparently. One they threw birth control and hormone pills at. Oh yes! After one doctor prescribed hormones, the next doctor prescribed even more of the same hormone but at a higher dosage.
- None of these drugs-- hormones or birth control-- helped. I don't think they really expected any of it to help, but one of my doctors told me this would show due diligence and would be the basis for the insurance company to pay for the more invasive procedures, like a hysterectomy. So, in order to finally cure my disease, instead of testing for it and then removing it, we had to try methods I knew wouldn't but hoped would be effective for months with no results. In the meantime, the anemia is greatly restricting what I can and can't do, what I can and can't eat or drink, and the bleeding is taking care of everything else that might be fun in my life.
- I receive surgery that cures my disease and eradicates the anemia. I am in the hospital for only several hours, and my insurance pays for almost all of it, but I still pay a few hundred bucks out of pocket. The nurses give me a bunch of instructions orally when I'm still very groggy from the anesthesia, so I'm lucky that Charlie insisted on staying with me so that he can remember what I'm supposed to do. And when the orderly pushing me to the car in a wheelchair says he's actually going to drop me off about ten or so feet from my dad's car because it's too crowded or hot or something, I say okay. I forget that I've just had surgery and walking upright is hella hard. Charlie insists the orderly take me all the way to the curb where my dad waits for us in his car.
- We buy a bunch of stuff to help make recovery as comfortable as possible. Jenna has already gone through this exact procedure and provides lots of good advice. We buy pillows and food that will help me poop. I sleep upright on the couch for weeks and use plastic stools (that we bought for Noah when he broke his arm a few years ago) to prop up my feet. Charlie buys some stuff for the shower so I don't have to bend down to grab the soap.
- None of my doctors, pre-surgery, tell me what to expect during post-surgery. They say how long it might take to physically recover, but nothing about hormonal or emotional distress. I don't know that there will be any more than physical recovery and I don't even know to ask more questions. Even if I did, what questions would I have asked? There is no support following the cancer diagnosis except to say that I won't need any further treatment and boy was I lucky I was scheduled for the surgery. I don't know where to turn for answers about what my body looks like without a uterus or fallopian tubes. The eggs my ovaries are still churning out? Where do they go? No one says. I don't even have anyone to answer my questions about the cancer. All I'm told is that I'm so lucky because it's gone before we even knew I had it and so the impression I get is that I shouldn't have any questions.
- I'm feeling crazy. I'm feeling despair and deep dread every morning that I wake up. I am sad and cry often. I feel hopeless and lonely. I freak out when I go to the mall by myself, and all the fun I thought I'd have once I stopped bleeding doesn't actually manifest. One of my doctor's prescribes an antidepressant, which I choose not to use despite the extreme sadness that wells up within me every day.
- Instead, I begin going to therapy. I go once every week, and I'm lucky because my insurance covers everything except the co-pay. I'm also lucky again to have a flexible employer because in order for me to see my therapist, whom I love my therapist find through Meredith's recommendation, I have to take end my shift a half hour earlier every week. Charlie also has to rearrange his routine because we only have one car, which we share. I still feel not myself on the daily, and I have trouble coping with things that I never struggled with before, and I'm still not getting answers from my doctors.
- I get a call from the Queens Hospital Cancer Center in January 2019. They're following up with me, they say, and ask if I'd like to meet with a cancer nurse. Holy fucking shit! Months later! But I'm not even mad, I'm ecstatic and cannot wait for my appointment. She goes over EVERYTHING I went through and even sighs knowingly when I tell her how unsupported by my doctors I feel. When I ask her about what this means for my daughter, she suggests I see a geneticist and then follows up with me a few days later with their contact information.
- A week or two later, I see my doctor so she can refer me to the geneticist. This referral gets lost or something because the geneticist never receives it. For months I attempt to speak to someone at my doctor's office, and usually I'm put on hold endlessly before I hang up. TWICE someone answers and they sound as outraged as me that my referral hasn't yet been processed, but nothing happens until May.
I've maybe written to death my experiences of the last year, BUT HERE'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT.
1. Regular access to health care and medical insurance
None of this would have been possible without medical insurance. Among the 97.4 billion women in the United States between the ages of 18 and 64, as many as one in five (some sources say one in ten) are uninsured. This makes access to quality health care a real challenge, but is not the only challenge women face. Among those insured, many women have been paying more for health insurance than men, and all it takes is a simple Google search to see that I'm not making this up (try "gender rating health insurance." Under ACA, gender rating became illegal, which actually received criticism. Gender, you see, was considered a risk factor). And even when insured, paying for all the out-of-pocket medical expenses can sometimes be impossible.
Women don't have insurance for many reasons. You can read a thousand articles talking about how lazy these women likely are because they probably don't have jobs or are too dumb to pay for insurance. I'm sure there are women out there who this accurately describes. Women also don't have health insurance because they make just enough money to not qualify for assistance but not enough to make regular payments themselves. For some women, their immigration status prevents them from receiving assistance. And then, an overwhelming number of women are eligible for assistance but aren't enrolled for a variety of reasons, some of which might be a lack of education about the availability of programs, a lack of education in general, or lack of access (not everyone has a computer or the time to go to an office or library).
Why This Matters:
Women without access to regular health care likely don't have a regular doctor and experience poorer health outcomes than women who have health insurance. Without access to preventative health care, which includes annual mammograms, pap tests, or even blood pressure or cholesterol screenings, they may delay diagnoses of chronic illnesses such as diabetes or hypertension, which may leave them in poor health. If they do seek treatment, they are left with debilitating debt.
Prior to ACA, insurance companies weren't obligated to cover birth control or maternity care. Most plans now are required by law to cover these costs. Access to birth control gives women the opportunity to decide whether and when to start a family, and which jobs or educational pathways to pursue. Having insurance increases the likelihood that women will obtain health care services, but doesn't necessarily ensure that health care is affordable.
2. Money, money, money
We have enough money to do the following: take off from work to seek medical treatment; pay the insurance premiums; pay for doctor's visits; pay for pharmaceuticals; pay whatever deductibles and out-of-pocket costs. I work two jobs and Charlie works more than 40 hours a week. We have two incomes, plus our children are old enough to take care of themselves, so we no longer have the added cost of childcare.
This wasn't always the case. For almost an entire year I was without health insurance and didn't seek medical treatment when I dropped a full bottle of wine on my foot and likely broke some bones. I didn't seek treatment when I began having anxiety attacks and chest pains (that were eventually associated with the anxiety I was experiencing and not heart complications). How would I ever have gone to the doctor those many times in 2018, had the surgery to remove my uterus (and cancer), and then sought psychological care afterward? That never would have happened.
Why This Matters:
Having health insurance protects people from having to absorb huge medical costs, but that doesn't make all services affordable. Not all procedures or pharmaceuticals are covered, and any unexpected injury or illness can result in a medical bill that can't be covered by a household budget. Medical expenses are more than just doctor's visits. They may include: transportation, parking fees, childcare, food, prescriptions, and tests. It may also mean losing money in the form of wages when a woman must take off from work to seek medical attention. You might think that finding affordable transportation to a medical facility here on Oahu might be no big thing, and maybe you're right. For an able-bodied person who can take off from work and drive herself to a hospital. Maybe less so for a blind woman who walks with a cane, and cannot take enough time off from work to catch the bus to and from the medical clinic.
3. Opportunity and advocacy
Charlie and I both have jobs that offer some flexibility. I could take off for an entire month after surgery and was confident that my jobs would be there when I got better. Charlie could take off from work to support me in the hospital and advocate for me when I was too weak to do so for myself. We are also both lucky to read at a level higher than the 5th grade, speak English as our first language, and have employer-sponsored health insurance.
Why This Matters:
In a broad sense, a woman's health is connected to so many other aspects of her life, including nutrition, housing and working conditions, education, sexism, and racism (just to name a few). I had employers who were willing to let me off of work to go to these many doctor's appointments and then recover from surgery. My husband has a job that offers excellent health insurance. I had the opportunity to seek medical services and pay for them. When I got there, however, who would help me?
I think I'm pretty well-educated in the standard sense. I also know how to responsibly do a Google search and wade through articles. I'm trained to do research and close reading. Still, there was so much I was ignorant of and I still have so many questions that have yet to be answered. And while I advocated for myself all through college and for my kids throughout their lives, I felt too foolish to ask my doctors what I considered stupid questions. I'd come home feeling dumb for not knowing and even dumber for not asking. When I finally was able to tell one of my doctors about my feelings of sadness and loneliness, he completely ignored me. "That's odd," he said and moved on. When I told another doctor, I got a more satisfactory answer (which is to say I got an answer at all) and a prescription for anti-depressants!
My anesthesiologist came to see me before he put me under to outline what I could expect post-surgery and what I should and shouldn't do. He was clear and professional and made sure both Charlie and I understood his instructions. Other than that, not even my own doctors were as transparent or forthcoming. My own internist told me that doctors can become so focused on diagnosing then treating an illness, they forget to educate their patients. I didn't even realize I had cancer until two weeks later when Jenna pointed it out! And last time I asked, Jenna's super smart, but she isn't a medical doctor.
It shouldn't be like this. We need increased education for women's health and safety. Not all treatment is necessarily safe or appropriate, and we need to be made aware of the resources available to us. Medical professionals should welcome and answer all questions to ensure that their patients understand all their options and all the information presented to them within an environment of transparency, mutual respect, and accountability.
In a larger sense, we need more research into women's reproductive health. More women need to be involved in clinical trials of treatments and products that are created for and used primarily by women. Women need more than just a husband or parent to advocate for them with their medical professionals, we need groups of people to advocate with and on our behalf to the policy makers who make laws.
*breathe*
So, I have this letter from Hawaii Community Genetics. Included in the envelope are forms I should complete before I go that detail my medical and family history. I am excited and nervous and hope that what I have to say is enough to warrant genetic testing. And even if it doesn't, I hope these people can point me to even more resources.
Because this letter isn't just about me, it's about the women I am related to and the girls who are growing into womanhood. My experience isn't just about me, it's about all of them as well, and finding more answers through genetic testing might be the key to a better life for my daughter, sisters, nieces, aunties, and cousins. This is one example how one woman's health and journey can be of service to many others. I whine that I didn't advocate for myself enough, but I did plenty. I was the one who continually made appointments with my doctors, who followed up when phone calls weren't returned, who kept pushing the issue even when those doctors sometimes seemed unimpressed with my symptoms.
What if things had been different? What if I still didn't have medical insurance (an incident that was not our fault)? What if I didn't have jobs that allowed me to take time off to see the doctor or be out of work for a month? What if I didn't have men in my life who looked out for me, gave me rides to and from the doctor, and took care of me post-surgery? I would still unknowingly have that cancer inside of my body, still be bleeding, still be anemic, and likely very depressed. None of the women in my family would be aware that they might also be at risk, maybe none of them would take what happens to their bodies seriously. Maybe that cancer would spread. Maybe other women in my family have similar experiences when it might have been avoided.
People talk about men making laws that determine what a woman can or cannot do with her body, and what most people think about is abortion. This blog is already too long for me to go into my opinion about abortion, but in case you haven't figured it out, I believe in a woman's right to choose to have an abortion under whatever circumstances she finds herself in. But this issue is about so much more than abortion! I mainly focus on issues related to reproductive health because that's been my journey, but women face many other gender-linked illnesses, such as: eating disorders, depression, Type II diabetes, violence against women, heart disease (women are more likely to die following a heart attack than men), and strokes.
I could go on and on. The more research I do, the larger my argument becomes. What this long-ass blog was intended to do was simply demonstrate how my journey, which culminates with this letter and an opportunity for genetic testing, is but a small example of how the health care system fails women and why it is important to empower women rather than restrict their choices.
Please don't substitute anything I've written here for medical advice or for advice in general. I just wanted to express myself. I feel the health care system failed me in many ways and that the new laws many states are enacting would not help the kind of issues I faced and likely wouldn't help a lot of the gender-related health issues most women face. Anyway, here are some of the resources I looked at when writing this blog. None of these, I think, are primary sources, but some of these link to actual reports and stuff. I think.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Dear Diary: My Analog Life, Seven Months in the Making
I've been keeping some form of a journal since I was in the fifth grade and my Aunty Irma gave me a pink My Melody hardcover diary. It had never occurred to me before that day to ever keep a diary, but having a tool specifically for that purpose was inspiring. For the rest of my life, I'd use spiral-bound notebooks, then Xanga, then MySpace, and eventually Blogger. I wrote extensively on MySpace, and then they unceremoniously deleted ALL. MY. BLOGS. They deleted everyone's blogs. And in true Kanani fashion, I blogged about it here.
And then I had a partial hysterectomy and dipped my toe into the darkness for a little bit. My doctor prescribed a gratitude journal. That gratitude journal morphed into a bullet journal, which I also wrote about blog about here. Why am I writing about this again, you ask? Because that first blog was about MySpace, the next was about the tactile sensation of writing with a pen on paper, and this one is about what writing in a bullet journal for seven months has done for me. Daily analog journaling is like physical therapy for my entire person: fix what's problematic by supporting all the little surrounding muscles to achieve balance. To get a feel for that, you kinda gotta know about form and function.
And then I had a partial hysterectomy and dipped my toe into the darkness for a little bit. My doctor prescribed a gratitude journal. That gratitude journal morphed into a bullet journal, which I also wrote about blog about here. Why am I writing about this again, you ask? Because that first blog was about MySpace, the next was about the tactile sensation of writing with a pen on paper, and this one is about what writing in a bullet journal for seven months has done for me. Daily analog journaling is like physical therapy for my entire person: fix what's problematic by supporting all the little surrounding muscles to achieve balance. To get a feel for that, you kinda gotta know about form and function.
- Intent and Focus. I don't have to wait around to see what kind of a day I'll have. I don't have to wonder how I'll handle challenges or unknowns. I can set my intention and root myself in it first thing in the morning. My intent has often been as simple as "Don't fall asleep!" and "Happy," or as complicated (and vague) as "confident," "patient," and "receptive." I even have one day that my intent was to be "as not sick as possible."
- Affirmations. Sometimes it isn't enough to simply state my intent for the day so I may have to pump myself up. This is where I remind myself that I am capable of facing any challenge and outline a generic plan of attack, just in case. Feeling underprepared leads to feeling panicked and vulnerable, and these affirmations help to minimize those negative emotions. I may not be in complete control of what goes on in my life or what happens to me, but I can improve my ability to deal with those things with grace and confidence.
- Productivity. I have lists galore! To Do, Daily Goals, Weekly Goals, Monthly Goals, and Long-Term Projects. It's amazing how productive I thought I was and how productive I am now. Such a disconnect! These lists also provide a handy reminder of when I did things, like made a call to Hawaii Community Genetics or last took Lucy for Physical Therapy.
- To Do: shit that needs doing like depositing a check, return library books, drop off donations at Goodwill.
- Daily Goals: shit I aim to do or accomplish that day, which is different from To Do. Things like be compassionate to myself, read one chapter, floss once/brush twice, or text two friends.
- Weekly Goals: shit I want to do or accomplish within the next week, like one continuous week of journaling, hit the gym at least twice, finish and submit that damn FAFSA.
- Monthly goals, too! May's goals are: gym at least twice a week, at-home workout at least once as week, and blog at least once a week. I also set a monthly intent that I focus on, like "Practice patience."
- Long-Term Projects: shit that doesn't need to be finished immediately or that need planning to finish. On this list would be stuff like Mother's Day craft ideas, Journal Jar ideas, work reminders, upcoming birthdays and events, and large project ideas broken down into smaller steps.
- Creativity. As weird as this is going to sound, I can't always write. I can be unmotivated, confused, or unable to express myself in words, so I'll sketch. "Sketch" is used very, very loosely. It can just be lines and colors. I've also used this space to write haiku (to meet my monthly goal of writing at least one haiku a day, which is pretty easy if you're unconcerned about quality).
- Reflections. I got spaces for daily reflections and monthly reflections. I use these spaces to vent about challenges and work through my feelings. I also celebrate any small victories, especially when I respond to a challenge in a new, more productive way EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK. Even if that shit blows up in my face, working to break destructive patterns is something to celebrate. If I don't have anything to write about that day, I can pull a prompt from my Journal Jar, and then two projects join forces in total Kanani synergy!
- Self-care. How did I love myself today? How did I reaffirm my self-worth? This one can be more difficult than it sounds because I'm especially not good at this. I don't take care of me. I don't value myself enough. I've often written "I don't know" in this section, so then I realized I needed to add a tool to my journal.
- Tools. These might look like ordinary lists, and you wouldn't be entirely wrong. One of the huge lessons I've learned through this bullet journaling/therapeutic process is that I am often woefully underprepared to meet life's challenges. I didn't have effective coping strategies nor could I even accurately describe what I felt, wanted, or needed. In my journal, I've dedicated pages to lists enumerating methods of self-care and self-soothing, lists of emotions (because nuance, yo), and even (most recently) a budding bucket list. These help me identify what I'm feeling, effectively ride out the feeling in the greatest amount of comfort (which is usually not much), and then figure out how best to manage in the future.
I take my journal everywhere. When you see me carrying a backpack, you can bet my journal is in there. It is more than a source of abstract comfort. It is a reference for appointments, phone calls, and due dates. It is a reminder to breathe, to feel, and to connect. It is a resource for meeting goals and developing ideas.
Could all of this be achieved online, in a digital format? Probably. I would be able to access everything from any computer, tablet, or smartphone, right? I could easily do a search for a keyword or name instead of coming up with color-coded keys or using sticky tabs and Post-its. I wouldn't have to also tote around a small arsenal of pencils and multi-colored pens (ballpoints, fine lines, and broad-tip markers).
Except that sounds like boring to me. That sounds like less work, sure, but also less fun. Part of the meditation of journaling is found in the creation of the journal template itself, which I've altered multiple times. I mark out the lines with a straight edge and then name the various sections. The lines and the section titles are always the same color, but I vary the color of the text for visual stimulation.
It's also the first time in a very long time that I've actually purchased a notebook and used every single page in it. The last time I did that must have been in high school. An analog journal also provides an excuse to indulge in writing implements and crafting supplies, and has led to a renewed interest in creating visual art. Also, writing long-hand is HARD. You gotta force your hand to make shapes at the appropriate sizes in the appropriate places, and there is no backspace button, which means you gotta think about what you're doing when you're doing it. This is what we call Mindfulness: doing something with intent. And it really is a meditation all on its own.
I could argue, in fact, that it's all about Mindfulness. Sitting at my desk is a deliberate act. It says, "It's time to be productive." I sit at my desk and work on projects now rather than Facebook posts. I'm going to pay some bills, do some writing, begin a craft. In fact, I've been reimagining my personal space and literally surrounding myself with what I know will help me achieve my goals. This is what I consider supporting the work I want to do, which isn't very different than drawing out my journal templates every day. I needed to find a way to celebrate each day, to remind myself of my intrinsic value, to be mindful of what I do, what I want to do, and what I want to stop doing.
I don't exist simply to pay the bills, to wash dishes, hang laundry, or watch TV. Being lazy is good. Loafing around the house without a bra on is good. Binge-watching How to Get Away with Murder is fine. There is value in decompressing, but I've found that it is also very easy to lose myself to the distractions of the world and forget that there are things I want to do. There are things I want to create, ways in which to grow, habits I want to develop or discard.
My daily journal helps me focus on what I want in life, helps me stay grounded, and helps me filter through all the daily distractions-- or find one to linger on. It doesn't require batteries or a USB charge. I don't have to turn it on, swipe in any direction, or mute it on the bus. It isn't just about being better organized, I am better armed when surrounded by chaos. Can you shove a ticket to an event between the pages of your phone? Can you staple a playbill to the keyboard of your laptop? Well, even if you can, I can't.
But now that this bullet journal is nearly full, first page to last, the big question is: do I buy the same journal or try something new? What you think?
But now that this bullet journal is nearly full, first page to last, the big question is: do I buy the same journal or try something new? What you think?
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